I Am Not Broken.

I'm not even sure where to start this blog. So much is going on...and yet not going on...I can't even think straight at the moment. I seem to be in the midst of learning some seriously heavy and strange life lessons and while on paper I know it will all lead to my highest good, it is difficult to allow the moment to just flow. Because you see, I'm a control freak. And I'm extremely competitive with myself. And I was raised in an environment of fear, guilt and self-loathing. I work hard to try and stop myself from boarding the Crazy Train these days when things aren't going the way I think they should (or are simply going in a direction I can't clearly make out as yet), and I am indeed getting better. I think of myself ten years ago...hell, even five years ago...and I'm pretty impressed with how much better I deal with life's little turds than I used to. Like the proverbial onion, you peel back each layer. At least that's how I prefer it. I'm not a diver, I'm a toe-dipper. And I'm okay with that. Cuz for a long time I just sat in the bleachers and watched.

Regardless of the progress I have made reading various happy-happy books, looking up inspirational quotes, listening to enlightening CDs by the likes of the good doctors Wayne Dyer and Michael Beckwith, and enjoying Rev. James Mellon's talks online...there is always my one albatross I cannot get off my neck. It is not a cause, but a manifestation of the root cause. And while I chip away, away, away at my bad habits of verbally beating myself to smithereens and begin to talk lovingly and respectfully to myself - and to others - I just. cannot. stop.................................................

Eating. There was never an a-ha moment that indicated to me what the core of this issue was, even though my mom and bio-dad had divorced before I was even two and he was a total substance-abusing deadbeat, which clearly leads to abandonment issues. Knowing this to be a common cause of food issues in women, it wasn't enough to just know it to make myself stop. And being a person whose favorite classes in school other than music were psychology related, I've read EVERYTHING I can get my hands on about this subject. And of course also worshiped at the church of Oprah for 25 years trying to figure it out as well. I even went to a healer who claims to have The Stigmata (I saw the scars in her hands while she held them over my face, vividly -- is it real or is it Memorex? You decide.) and to a wacky weekend seminar where they deprived us of sleep and food till we were all literally in tears (even the men) and coddling our pathetic little inner children. I actually thought that worked for a hot minute...but about a week later it was same ole same ole.

I may however, have had a breakthrough at long last...two interesting revelations. I began reading a book a few days ago called "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Yes, I heard about it on the Oprah show. Ms. Roth's philosophy is, "All that you believe about love, change, joy and possibility is revealed in how, when and what you eat. The world is on your plate." Uh...what? How I feel about life is causing me to abuse my relationship with food? And here I've been thinking this whole time that my relationship with food is what causes me to hate my life! I'm intrigued to find out more. This is Revelation Number One, the lesser of the two.

Revelation Number Two got me like a 2x4 in the noggin. In the forward of the book, Ms. Roth is describing a retreat she hosts twice a year to help women with food addiction. A rule is that when it's time to eat, everyone fills their plates with whatever, sits down and has to wait to eat till everyone else has filled her plate and has sat down. This causes lots and lots of strife. Eighty food-addicted women with plates of food in their faces and not allowed to eat. Just wave a beer under an alcoholic's nose, for the love of Pete. This discomfort brings forth confessions and excuses, many of which I've read in a million other places in my search to bury this demon within..."I was abused...I can't live up to society's standards...I'm a child of divorce...I grew up in the Witness Protection Program and I don't know who I really am"...blah blah blah. But one woman said something that literally busted open the floodgates for me, because I realized it was MY story but never really knew it.

Directly from the book (no infringement intended, Ms. Roth!): 

A few minutes later, Nell, a student at the retreats for seven years, raises her hand. "I am not hungry anymore, but I suddenly realized that I am afraid to push the food away."

"Why?" I (Geneen) ask.

"Because..."--and she starts to cry--"...because I realize I am not broken...and that you will be angry at me if you know."

"Why would I be angry at you?" I ask.

"Because you'd see who I really am and you wouldn't like it."

"What would I see?"

"Vitality. A lot of energy. Determination. Strength."

"Wow," I say. "And what wouldn't I like about that?"

"I wouldn't need you then. And you would be threatened by that."

"Who are you taking me to be? Anyone you know who was threatened by how gorgeous you are?"

Nell starts to laugh. "Hi, Mom," she says.

The room erupts in a wave of laughter.

"She was so depressed," Nell says. "And if I was just myself, that was too much for her. I needed to shut down the bigness--I needed to be as broken as she was--otherwise she'd reject me and that was unacceptable."

Now, my mother was and is beautiful. And I know I wasn't thrown out the ugly tree myself, so it's not about that. But I was a very dramatic, vivacious, colorful, expressive, creative, gifted child...and my mother could NOT handle my "bigness." She could NOT handle my innate, burning desire to make the whole world my stage. And even while on one hand she did make sure I got all the musical training I wanted in the form of lessons, etc., she did everything she possibly could to snuff out my inner light. Suddenly realizing Revelation Number Two, my mind flooded with examples...

I started dance lessons when I was 5. It was interfering with my Saturday morning cartoons, so I told mom I wanted to quit. Her reply, "That's ok honey, you didn't really have it anyway." And she let me quit and I never took another dance class in my life, because from then on I believed I couldn't dance. And I still do.

Around the same age, I was apparently fond of standing in front of the mirrors over the produce aisles in the grocery store and reenacting every commercial I'd ever seen on tv...to the point that my mother had a hard time getting me to stop and she'd have to drag me away in protest. One day I was so out of hand that I brought her to tears and she picked me up and left the store, abandoning a full cart of groceries. Now, while this is actually a pretty funny story, it stings to know that I had embarrassed my mother so greatly just by being who I was.

As a teenager, after the fam "got Jesus," my mother decided for me when I was "spiritually right enough with the Lord" to sing a solo on any particular Sunday in church. And she used it as a tool of discipline, too. "Do as I say or I'll call Pastor and tell him you can't sing this Sunday." To this day, when I have a voice student who is quitting their voice lessons because their parents are using them as a form of discipline, I get infuriated.

Mom yelling down the stairs into the basement-made-into-a-rec room as I practiced diligently singing the soprano melodies from the hymn book: "Darci, you're an alto, NOT a soprano, just accept it and quit that caterwauling! I can't take it!" A few years later when I started taking voice lessons and discovered I was indeed a soprano after all (as my dream was to be the next Sandi Patty), when I told mom she sneered, "No you're not. That woman must not know what she's talking about. What are we paying her for?" (I will tell you this, if not for Liz-formerly-Bolibaugh-now-Belle giving me permission to sing with the voice I was born with instead of dumbing-it-down so as not to appear as if I was 16-going-on-30--which would mortify my mother--I'm not sure what I'd be doing now. Probably making money. But bored out of my ever-loving mind.)

Whenever we argued, as mothers and daughters do, she never once went without saying, "Oh STOP being so dramatic! You're not on stage, spare me the drama."

Star Search was a big deal when I was in high school and they were having auditions in Albany, the nearest major city to my tiny little town of Johnstown, about 45 minutes northwest (and I mean a real 45 minute drive, not an L.A. 45 minute drive, which would actually be 7 minutes without traffic). My voice teacher said I MUST audition. I told mom. Mom said no, because she simply wasn't willing to drive that far (this despite the fact that she was as rabid a fan of the great Sam Harris as I was). When I told Liz, she was livid and immediately got on the phone and chewed her out. "Darci is GIFTED! She NEEDS to do this! What is your problem?!" Mom's response, "She can do whatever she likes when she's graduated high school and no longer living in my house." Now, considering what happens to child stars nowadays, Mom's decision could be argued as very sensible. But I was a senior in high school then and the "I'm not driving that far" excuse was not acceptable.

The worst though...when I moved to college in Nashville, TN...the whole family made the drive down with me (we had family friends living there they could visit and I'm not entirely sure that if we didn't that I wouldn't have been unceremoniously stuck on a plane and sent off alone). As they left to go back home, Mom hugged me ferociously and tried not to cry. But when she pulled away she said, "You can do this, Darci Christine. You're tough. You can do this." And then in the same breath, "But maybe try not to be yourself so much at first, because these girls are genteel southern ladies and you might scare them off before they get to know you." (Little does she know that very often "Southern Hospitality" is nothing more than wearing a big fake smile while they're stabbing you in the back.)

These instances felt brutal back then. But realizing where it came from gutted me even more the other day. I was born a fearless, happy child, as we all are. But by the time I was born Mom had made an extreme mess of her life, marrying the wrong alcoholic, drug-addict guy, never had any dreams of her own, and later got remarried to a very kind man that she wasn't truly in love with to get herself and her two children (at the time) off of welfare. I represented vitality, life, strength, hopes and dreams and had inherited my no-good bio-dad's musical gifts on top of it (bass player). Mom just couldn't take my "bigness"...she couldn't take looking at the reminder of her own mistakes every single day and the possibility that I might accomplish great things in my life when she never did. My mother was broken. I was NOT broken. And so she, subconsciously for sure, set out to break me. And I began to turn to food to deal with my mother's brokenness. Because I could be as dramatic and full of life and music as I wanted to with food because it couldn't and wouldn't reject me or belittle me for being me.

Now, after reading all this you are probably thinking my mother is a class A evil witch hag. That's actually not true. She can be very loving, fiercely protective, tough as nails, adorable as hell and absolutely melts into goo when there's a baby around. She's smarter than she's ever given herself credit for and she never sloughs off a responsibility for anything. She's also the only person I've ever met who LOVES to gamble and somehow has  never lost her shirt. She is the Queen of Moderation. And she's never once pressured any of us kids to hurry up and get married and make her a grandmother. I love my mother so very much and the thought of anything happening to her makes me sick to my stomach. 

Alas, like so many of us, her darkness has overcome her. She's allowed her past to be her present and her truth, and lets regret be the god she truly worships, as opposed to the God she claims saved her when I was seven. As a disciple of today's evangelical fundamental uber-conservative "Christ" (the man-made one, not the Living Source of Love I now believe in), she's more worried about the states of others' souls than her own. Her job is to be miserable. It's not a good day if you haven't wept, rent your clothing, climbed onto a pile of ashes and gnashed your teeth! She simply doesn't know that she doesn't have to feel this way. She just doesn't know...and at 61, she probably has no desire to. I cannot judge that or be angry at it, because a) I know that she is genuinely concerned with the state of the world in the deepest parts of her being and b) I was there once, too. 

But I don't want that for myself. I cannot stand myself miserable. Others can't stand me miserable. Revelation Number Two is reminding me, though I've heard and read it a million times, that there's nothing wrong with me. I was created in the image of The Maker and therefore perfect from day one. Period. I do not have to take on my mother's pain. Or my bio-dad's. Or friends' or former boyfriends' or my siblings' or anyone else's. It's not my responsibility and I have to stop worrying myself to death about it with every bite I shovel into my mouth. Furthermore, I do not get the luxury of blaming anyone else for who I've become or not become, because everything that has happened to me, was said to me or done to me in the course of my life are just that...happenings. Big deal. They happened. They do not define me. Their effects are not irreversible. Suck it up and move on. It's never too late to start over and it's never too late to remember that I was not born broken in the first place. I was NEVER broken. 

I. AM. NOT. BROKEN.

Contentment of heart to all.

Next day edit: This is becoming a song...stay tuned...

AMERICAN IDOL - "A WORKING MUSICIAN'S REVIEW" - TOP 5 (5/4)

For the newbies, I'm Darci Monet and I make music and teach people to sing for a living. Check out my website to find out more. Especially cuz I could use some work right now.  

I've been watching American Idol since season one and kvetching about it since season two. I do "drive-by reviews"...one watch, first impression critiques (cuz you don't get do-overs in concert). Thank you for reading, and please feel free to pipe in with your opinions, even if they disagree with mine -- just keep it on a grown up level. Thank you! 

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Okay, let's get this show on the road. It's two songs-a-night time! FUN! LET'S THROW IT DOWN! 

Ok seriously. I am sooooooooooo tired of backup singers being dissed, particularly on this show. Sheryl's "humble beginnings" as a backup singer for Michael Jackson. That's a GOOD PAY DAY, campers, and a perfectly respectable living. And not every backup singer secretly wishes he/she could be famous. Some of us LOVE singing backup and find nothing to be ashamed of in doing it. Better than bagging groceries or selling car insurance, that's for damned sure. Stupid show. 

Sorry, it's been hot here today. Makes a juicy girl a little testy.

James is up first and he's gonna do some song by 30 Seconds To Mars. I know OF this band but I don't know their material. Isn't the guy from "Requiem for a Dream" in this band? That's one wack movie, people (Ellen Burstyn was robbed!). Anyhoo...well...not my favorite of his performances from a technique or pitch standpoint (band was wussin' out, too) but he's getting so comfortable on stage and he really knows what works for him. I'm pretty sure I'll be buying his album. And I'm pretty sure he's gonna be huge. I just don't want him to get rid of his vibrato entirely like all these little snot-nosed "rockers" today. What I love about him is he really sings and I don't want him to lose that.

Did Ryan just say something about James going "full Monty"??? What'd I miss??? Dang it! Rewind! 

So Jacob is going to do Jordin Sparks' & Girlfriend Beater's "No Air." Hmmmm...I dunno about this. What's wrong with the sound tonight? Everyone's out of tune, including the background singers. I didn't like this partially cuz the sound was so awful. Gotta say that kid can sing in the freakin' stratosphere, though. I actually think this probably would make a really great recording for him...just didn't work live and I'm not sure that's entirely his fault. GO JLo, telling Randy not to tell Jacob who he is! Now y'all shut up and let Steven talk. Btw, they kept calling Ruben Luther-esque too and when's the last time we heard him on the radio? Just sayin. Luther was then and Jacob has to be now and apparently he knows it.

Lauren is gonna cover Carrie Underwood. For a girl who is terrified of her own power, maybe she shouldn't be attempting songs by one of the biggest voices EVER...?  I hope she blows it out of the park, though. And WOW, she sure did! Now THAT is the Lauren I was hoping she'd be this whole time! SANG, GURL! The sound still sucks but it goes to show when you choose the right song and leave your guts on the stage you can rise above that. FIERCE!  I think Sheryl gave her some great advice in telling her not to worry so much about it being perfect, but to give it all up...it really worked for her.

Oh is Scotty still here? Servin' up a little Montgomery Gentry. And okay he reminded me WHY he's still here (once I got over those stupid Maxim models appearing again...seriously, I'm all in a good mood till they walk out and act like it's their show). That was a lot of fun and I thought he really took a bite out of those vocals and, like Lauren, threw caution to the wind. I always think Scotty does a great job connecting with his material but he has been choosing safe much of the time. This shook things up and I enjoyed it a lot. Nice job, kid! 

Dang it. JLo's too cute whoopin' it up for these contestants...stop making me like you, you witchy little thing! Hmph. 

Haley's doing an unreleased Gaga song??? Especially at the encouraging of Jimmy Iovine? I thought the contestants were required to choose their own songs. Hmmmmmmm.  Now I know the producers force songs on the contestants - it's been going on for ten years. But no one's ever said it ON AIR. I expect a little backlash in tomorrow's entertainment news and I certainly hope it doesn't hurt Haley in the voting.   Anyway...yeah, this is where she lives. It's all about  the stuff that's steeped in the blues for her. I hope her album is full of songs like this, cuz it absolutely should be. I think she did a great job. And her eye makeup is STUNNING! 

You're wrong, judges. I don't know half of these songs every week and it doesn't bother me when they do them well. I think they're full of crap. Except Steven, cuz he's with me on this. 

Oh noooooooooooo James is doing Harry Nilsson!!!  One of the all time greatest pop songs ever written. Oh I'm so excited...this could be so awesome and I sincerely hope it is. Aw jeez, he's crying. I can't take it. Haven't seen him lose his stuff since the auditions, it's heartbreaking! He stayed in pitch better while crying than he did on the first song! Clearly not a pristine vocal (and perhaps I'd have taken the key up a half step so his low notes could really simmer), but the heartwas there and at the end of the day that's what matters. He was the vessel, he served the song, done. And it was nice to hear a guy singing it for a change, too.

Okay so Jimmy's picking some songs tonight? Maybe I missed that in one of Ryan's speeches or something and there's NOT actually a scandal a-brewing. Regardless, Jacob is singing another great sad song from my uber-childhood, "Love Hurts" (coincidentally, Heart has recorded versions of both "Without You" and "Love Hurts"...you wanna experience vocal emotion, find and download forthwith). Ok loved loved loved the beginning, such a sweet touch with the harp...and I found myself getting into the end but HATED the horns, which immediately spread a thick layer of Velveeta over the whole thing. But Jacob put some stank on it and I only wish he'd have just said, "Oh shoot, WHATEVER" and used his body some, cuz you KNOW he wanted to. Wicked final lick at the end and super high "because I can" note to finish it off. Quite a mess. Quite a big ole hot mess but I enjoy that sort of thing...in the same way I enjoy Patti LaBelle. 

Up next is Lauren with...oh dear God..."Unchained Melody."  Nothing against it, I'm just sick to death of it...and still haven't heard anyone do it better than Clay on this show. Holy AMAZING DRESS, Batman! Here she goes...and Oh COME ON!!! What the hell happened? She was doing so great, building, building, stylizing it perfectly, not too much, not too little, flipping flawlessly through registers, building...and then she completely crapped out!   I AM SOOOOOOOO MAD RIGHT NOW! This could have been absolutely a vocal stunner but no. What a disappointment. I don't know if it was the arrangement or if she just suddenly froze and quit. *sigh* 

Seriously judges. Booooooooooooo. Chickens. CHICKENS!!! You can't let someone crap out on an iconically big song and get away with it, 15 years old or not! 

Scotty is doing one of my all time favorite Elvis songs (of course written by the great Willie Nelson). I have no fear that he will settle me down from that last train wreck. And as expected, it was lovely and tender. I'd have brought it up a half step just so he could have locked in a little stronger on that bridge, but otherwise, he did it right. I forget he's so young. He's an old soul of a performer. There's no excuse for any other teenager on this show - or outside of this show - not to "get it."

Haley is singing "The House of the Rising Sun", which costs NOTHING to license because it's in public domain. No one knows who wrote it, but we know The Animals made it famous. Anyway...she sangin' her patootie off. I also think she's making up for Casey with all that growling. But I still love her and I want her to get all the way to the end. Again, this kinda song is HER house. Just about perfect. Great way to end the show. 

And that's all she wrote. I think Jacob might be getting the ax tomorrow. But then again...this is American Idol, and you just never know...

AMERICAN IDOL - "A WORKING MUSICIAN'S REVIEW" - TOP 6 (4/27)

For the newbies, I'm Darci Monet and I make music and teach people to sing for a living. Check out my website to find out more. 

I've been watching American Idol since season one and kvetching about it since season two. I do "drive-by reviews"...one watch, first impression critiques (cuz you don't get do-overs in concert). Thank you for reading, and please feel free to pipe in with your opinions, even if they disagree with mine -- just keep it on a grown up level. Thank you! 

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Okay...now, I love me some Carole King but every time they've done her songs on this show the contestants have butchered them. I'm scared for James this week for sure. I have little hope that this show will contain much pizazz...unless they're smart and search out the hits she had with OTHER artists and not just what she recorded herself. 

Jacob's up first (thanks for playing honey, guess we'll see you at the finale) with "Oh No, Not My Baby." Ok...so I'm following along pleasantly, he's doing just fine...and that's it...fine...and then that breakdown kicks in and he got his church stomp on. YEAH, DADDY!!! That's what I wanna see from him. And the kid's got a great ear...I liked a lot of his improv choices at the end. So it ended with a bang, but I wish he had put that 150% into it from word go. This is a good style for him. Let Cee Lo Green produce his record and there'll be something going on there.

Lauren is gonna do "Where You Lead." Oh goody, The Doublemint Twins are back.  Well...cute performance. That's it. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh. Still boring. Oh man, here goes the Queen of Autotune encouraging the 16 year old to trash her cords. But YOU Steven? Well...his cords were born trashed, I guess. Anyway, she's adorable but yeah...I just can't get into her. Everyone wants her to push, push, push her voice...is anyone gonna push her to CONNECT to a song??? She's vacant. Completely vacant.

Haley and Casey dueting, yay! Kinda fun. The best rendition of that song on this show ever. Even though that isn't really saying that much cuz everyone else who came before decimated it. But they sounded good together. There were some really nice vocal moments. 

Friends, I could not care less about tonight's show. Oooooohhhhhhh my gawd, I'm ready to be done already.  And to top it off, my cat won't stop begging to come in, go out, come in, go out, come in, go out. He's fixin' to become orange chicken in a minute.

Oh nooooo Scotty's singing "You've Got A Friend." Snoooooooozaroo! Ok, I take it back a little. That was a nice rendition of that song. I believed him. Heartfelt and a little less country-fried than usual, in his upper register, a nice subtle change. Gotta give it to him.  And he's MUCH better at "the look" than Constantine was. Haha!

A soft, sensitive side of Crazy James. Tremblin' in mah boots, kids. Don't get me wrong...I fully believe he's got the voice and talent to tackle something softer in there somewhere...but will he ALLOW himself to? Aaaaaahhhhhh, there's the rub! Let's see. Hmmmm..."Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow." People are so used to the up tempo version...I wish he was gonna keep it a sweet ballad just cuz he CAN. I LOVED the beginning...but Iovine made him rock it up. *sigh* Gettin' sick of that guy. He did just fine, but it was also predictable. Another tired rendition. The lyric is so sad and tender...I wish SOMEONE would put that spin on it just once. I love James but I didn't get why everyone was licking his butt over this. (Though I wouldn't be mad at him if he won the whole thing, not one bit)

Now we get to hear Scotty and Lauren together. Out of tune. Both of them. Next...

Ummmm...who's the random child on Steven's lap?

Casey is singing a song I don't think I've ever heard. But I'm excited for it. Aaaaannnnnnndddddd so far it's the only performance of the night that mattered. The blues sits on him so well, he knows exactly what to do with it and he's a great entertainer. I loved the musicians circling him at the end...favorite of the night. 

Haley, please don't sing "It's Too Late." Oh thank God. LOVE her little dress. Ok, it's not just her monitors that are screwy, but the mix is AWFUL. Cuz of that, I think she got off to a slow start, but I also think she picked one of the hardest songs of the night and she didn't stumble vocally for a second. I'm just not sure the average Joe is gonna realize that or notice with that horrific mix swallowing her voice up. She's sooooooooooo bad @$$, though. I'd buy her album in a New York minute.

Duet from Jacob and James. Alright...who wants to bet me $100 that if James doesn't win this competition his first stop will be the lead in "American Idiot" on Broadway? Holy screamfest, Batman! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha...I haven't experienced such a thing since I battled out "People Get Ready" with my friend Chris Mitchell back in the 90's! Oh, I miss those days. But I digress and shamelessly self-promote. That was tons of fun for all the wrong, self-indulgent reasons. I loved that the same way I love N'Sync's "Bye Bye" song. Go boys. Don't judge me.

Oh thank God it's over. Least favorite episode of the season. Maybe I'm just extra tired or something. I suspect we'll be losing Jacob or Haley tomorrow night. 

Sweet dreams, rock stars!  

P.S. - I MISS YOU STEFANO!!!  

AMERICAN IDOL - "A WORKING MUSICIAN'S REVIEW" - TOP 7 (4/20)

Well here we go...another week and I have no idea what the theme is. I guess I'll find out soon enough! Aha...music from the 21st century. Hmmmm. I'm a little scared of this one, as I'm not sure the new millenium has produced much top 40 fare that's worth listening to. Thus sayeth Brian Wilson, "Beware the lollipop of mediocrity; lick it once and you'll suck forever." 

Hey...I kinda liked bringing back the eliminated contestants (except Ashthon...turns out she's still annoying). It's about time this show figured out that you don't have to actually win the dang thing anymore and that there are probably more steadily working cast-offs from this show than winners at this point. But poor Paul, all alone, with his hopelessly thrashed vocal chords, trying to keep up with a bunch of divas screaming. Oy vey. 

Alright, let's get to it. Scotty's up first (the danger zone, as Paul can attest). And he was "meh." It is indeed time for him to kick it up. I don't have anything more to say than that.

James is gonna do a Muse song. Fun. I'm not worried.  Oh wow, he gets a drumline? Hmmm. I'm not all that sure I loved ALL the screaming, but I suppose he had to do something cuz the song is not made for a soloist. I probably would have taken a higher harmony and played with the melody oh-so-slightly instead of the octave jumping. He looked amazing tonight and his overall performance was just right, I thought. He let the words (mostly) speak for themselves and didn't overdo the stage theatrics. I enjoyed it.

Here comes Haley with Adele's "Rolling In The Deep" and I'm REALLY psyched to hear her take this on (even though this song is getting dangerously overplayed right now). And DANG GURL!!!! I expected her to do just fine but holy moly that was some saaaaaaaaaangin', my people! I was in a rotten mood a minute ago and I feel so much better after that performance. I'm not even kidding. This is the kind of album she should make. Something a little bit throwback, a little bit contemporary. Gorgeous. LOVE. Super cute dress, too.

Judges? Did you not hear the same performance I did? They seemed awfully apathetic about it but I thought it was FIERCE. 

By the way, there's a juicy girl in the audience that I believe is with James' people and she keeps coming up on camera...and I SWEAR I stood in line with her for X-Factor auditions. She never stopped singing or talking or "coaching" the other singers for one dang second. If it's not her, it could be her twin, down to her mannerisms. But she was from Fresno. So what are the odds, really?

And ANOTHER THING...I don't believe for one second that the bleach blondes are really singers. I think they're bikini models lip-syncing for paid union singers behind the big head of Oz somewhere. Disgusting. 

Jacob is going to do some Luther. I just hope it's not "Dance With My Father," though. Aaaawwww crap. Of course it is, cuz I think that was the last hit Luther had before he passed. Well...he got through it. Weirdness at the beginning, like he couldn't hear himself. But hey...when you grow up singing in church you don't always have monitors and you learn to sing in tune by muscle memory, so I'm not actually surprised that he didn't flounder for long. Otherwise, that was as good as I expected it to be. I'm with Randy, it didn't make me jump up and down either and I am anxious for the the old foot-stompin', gospel-sangin' Jacob to come back. 

I'm enjoying the contestants making fun of each other. And yes, I realize that sounded very bot-like. 

Casey is going to do my favorite Maroon 5 song, "Harder To Breathe." I'm psyched. I couldn't even type anything through that cuz it was SO. MUCH. FREAKIN'. FUUUUNNNNNN!!!!! He really put some rock n' roll on it and I just loved it. And man, that kid's got cajones to get in JLo's face and steal a SMOOCH!  Brilliant. Every week he does something new and it makes me happy.

Oh Steven Tyler. Did anyone tell this guy that there are children in the live audience? Dude's the honey badger! Honey badger don't care! Honey badger don't give a @$%!!!! 

Of course Stefano's a flirt, it comes as naturally to Italian boys as blinking. Now I liked this performance just fine, but compared to all the interesting stage set ups the other contestants had tonight it ended up feeling kind of bare even though I think the kid was putting his 100% into it. His pitch was a little squirrelly here and there but I'm getting to where I don't actually care so much about such things anymore (to a point, of course) because everything we hear on the radio is so perfectly auto-tuned that a little bit of woopsy-daisy is almost refreshing to me (note to my students: this doesn't mean you get a pass, sorry!). Overall, I think he did his best but this might be the end of the road for him simply due to lack of theatrics.

Viva Italia anyway! 

(Do y'all know I'm Italian? Just checkin'.)

Lauren is closing the show with a Sarah Evans song. (Dear God make the Doublemint Twins GO AWAY!!!  ). Aaaannnnddddd next. Sorry, but I thought that was a stupid song and this is the most bored I've been with her yet. I'm surprised at myself cuz going into this I thought I was gonna really like her, but I guess everyone else just keeps kicking it up every week and I feel like she's just coasting at best. It's not that I don't like her voice, cuz I do, I'm just bored. I certainly hope she takes the judges' advice and rips apart that box she's put herself in next week (cuz I'm not worried that she's going home).

JLo! PLEASE don't encourage untrained 16 year old singers to scream and yell at home by themselves! For the love of all that's good and holy, woman! 

That's all she wrote. I'm going to bed. This was a really fun show tonight. 

A WORKING MUSICIAN'S REVIEW - TOP 8 (4/13)

For the newbies, I'm Darci Monet and I make music and teach people to sing for a living. I have two albums out, I perform all over L.A., I've sung backup for some super cool people, I've won a few awards for songwriting and some of my students are making great careers for themselves. Also, I am making my very first music video, which I am describing as a "video love letter to the world"!  My production team and I would love for you to keep up with our progress on our Facebook page.

I've been watching American Idol since season one and kvetching about it since season two. I do "drive-by reviews"...one watch, first impression critiques (cuz you don't get do-overs in concert). Thank you for reading, and please feel free to pipe in with your opinions, even if they disagree with mine -- just keep it on a grown up level. Thank you! 

_____________________________________

Okay...it's movie songs week. And if anyone sings "My Heart Will Go On" (though I think we're safe with Pia gone), I might have to chuck my tv out the window.

Paul is up first (which means the show is trying to get rid of him) with "Old Time Rock n' Roll", dressed in mighty fine duds by Nashville's go-to costumer Manuel. THANK YOU Will.I.Am for setting Jimmy Iovine straight - NO DRUMB MACHINE ON THIS SONG, FOOL! Duh.  Now...I hate this song. But I think it's gonna be a good fit for Paul regardless. But maybe I'm wrong. His poor little voice sounds absolutely worn out. Always fun onstage, but he sounded way better in rehearsal. I don't know if it's enough this week. I'm very confused by all the love the judges are giving him on this one. He wasn't awful but he wasn't at his best if you ask me.

Lauren is going to do "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus, which I have to admit, is a great little song and I think her voice on it should be quite nice. Hmmmmm. Bored again. She sung it okay (a little wobbly with her pitch on her slides and such)...I think I'm with JLo with this...I want her to go further. I just have a hard time believing her. This should have been an easy song to connect with and yet I didn't feel it.

Stefano is going to sing "End of The Road" by Boz II Men. Bless his little heart, I follow him on Twitter and I think he got a bit of a beating from Pia fans last week, blaming him for her demise (entirely unfair - peepz iz dumb, yo). My heart was happy to see the support he got from Jimmy and Will and I hope he can dig that emotion out and put it in this song like he did back with his wild card performance. And HOOOOOOO-EEEEEEEE! SAAAAAANG. JUST SAAAAAAANG, MUTHAH TRUCKAH!!! He tore that shizzle up, people. Great pitch, flawless runs, wore his heart on his sleeve and left his guts on the stage. Naw, he ain't goin' down without a fight. No, sir. And how cuuuuuute is his daddy??? 

VIVA ITALIA!!!  

Love ya Scotty, but good luck following THAT up, baby! Oooooooh, I'm not happy with the song change. "Everybody's Talkin'" would've been somewhat out of the box for him, at least unexpected. And forgive me...but the backup singers are too hot in the mix. They sound great but I couldn't hear Scotty on the chorus. Hmmmmm. He should've stuck with his original choice. There was nothing terribly interesting about this song to me and his last note was a bit of a butt-scratcher. No disrespect to Mr. Straight, of course. This just wasn't the best of Scotty's performances.

I'm very much enjoying all the crap they're giving JLo for her "most beautiful blah blah." Very much.

Casey has chosen Nat King Cole's "Nature Boy." No Jimmy. No. You're wrong. WRONG. We love Casey cuz he's a REAL musician...America is CRAVING real musicians in the spotlight these days! LET HIM BE ONE! God forbid we give a record deal to someone with skills. Casey starts...aaaaannnnnnddddd a-ha! Take THAT, Iovine!   How ya like THAT smack on the @$$, huh? Polly wants some more? Oh yeah...HERE!HAVE SOME OF THIS, NANCY BOY!!!   Brilliant. Abso-friggin-lutely BRILLIANT. Gorgeous vocals, fierce playing, sick scatting and not even a single growl necessary. I'm not sure that "mmmm" in the middle was meant to cover a clearing of the throat or what, it was a little weird and out of place, but I didn't care cuz the rest was so dang good. Standing O. I love it when the suits are WRONG.  Amazing music will ALWAYS trump crap. Always.

Haley's going with "Call Me" by Blondie. And I don't have anything bad to say about that performance. I just love when she gets up into her high register and rasps on it, it's super sexy and I covet that ability. AND she whipped her hair back and forth!  This, of course, is a required element for rock tunes. Short haired people should not sing rock. Haha, ok I'm just being a jerk! Good job, I thought. I'm also glad she's finally laying off the hunchover. I thought the judges were a little hard on her. It IS a steep competition this year, though.  

Jacob is being forced to sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and doesn't seem happy about it whatsoever. Hmmmmm. I still love his voice. It was a very subdued version. Closing chords were very interesting. He sang his face off. But I have to say...I felt like something was distracting him. I felt a wall. His disconnected is still better than just about anyone else's connected, though.

James is sticking to his guns with "Heavy Metal." I kinda like that Iovine's got the whippersnappers testing his mettle. I think that's what the music industry needs right now...for our artists to be artists instead of products molded and shaped by overpaid guys who are older than me. I don't know if I'm gonna love this song cuz I don't know it, but I know I'm going to respect it, anyway. And actually I LOVED IT! Why? Cuz NO ONE'S DONE THIS S**T ON THE SHOW BEFORE!!! And how on earth did they talk the SICK Zakk Wylde into stepping foot on that stage?!  If you ask me, it felt like a real concert. Well, almost. The rest of the band being visible would've been nice. But hey...I stand by Crazy James' choice. And man, he sure does love to rock. I was feelin' it. 

And there it is. Great show tonight. Personally I thought the weakest performances of the evening were Paul and Scotty. But that's based on a scale of "great" to "amazeballs". I have no idea who's gonna end up going home tonight, but I do hope Stefano gets to stay cuz I think he really fought for the right to.

Now I'm gonna put my face on and go sing a song or two at a piano bar. Haven't done that yet this year! Although I'm kinda in a rockin' mood now...hahaha! Hmmm...guess I'll pull out some blues, then.

AMERICAN IDOL - A WORKING MUSICIAN'S REVIEW - TOP 9 (4/6)

For the newbies, I'm Darci Monet and I make music and teach people to sing for a living. I have two albums out, I perform all over L.A., I've sung backup for some super cool people, I've won a few awards for songwriting and some of my students are making great careers for themselves. Also, I am making my very first music video, which I am describing as a "video love letter to the world"!  My production team and I would love for you to keep up with our progress on our Facebook page.

I've been watching American Idol since season one and kvetching about it since season two. I do "drive-by reviews"...one watch, first impression critiques (cuz you don't get do-overs in concert). Thank you for reading, and please feel free to pipe in with your opinions, even if they disagree with mine -- just keep it on a grown up level. Thank you! 

____________________________________________________________

ROCK AND ROLL WEEK!!! Well a few I'm not worried about at all. Some...well...let's just say Pia better DO SOMETHING this week or Imma sprout a second head. Btw, what happened to all the "changes" we were supposed to get this season...music videos by the contestants (other than the Ford commercials) and all....? Hmmm. 

JACOB - I have no doubt you'll sing "Man In The Mirror" just fine but IT'S NOT A ROCK SONG!!! C'mon! King of POP??? Helleeeeerrrrrr???  But it's still TRES cool that Miz Siedah Garrett herself is singing backup for you on the song she wrote!  I adore this song and he nailed it...but it's still not a rock song. I'm annoyed by that and I'd better not be in for an entire night of such shenanigans. But I also give him props for sticking to his guns in regard to his song choice, which I know for fact is not easy for the contestants to do on this show. And that's all I have to say about that. 

HALEY is going to step up with some Janis. BRING IT, SISTER!!! Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh, she did. There were places where she could've held back the growl a little to give herself a break but at least she didn't tiptoe up to the song in general (like Faith Hill did with that nauseating country version she released a hundred years ago - blech! ). She looked FANTASTIC and she I thought she did a very honorable job of a classic song plus she threw in a little of her own thing while she was at it. 

HOW DID I MISS THIS LYRIC CONTEST THING??????? BOOOOOOOO! 

Casey dumped The Police and went with CCR. And FINALLY pulls the standup out. I loved it. His licks are weird...somehow sloppy while NOT being sloppy. But when he's got the bass it all comes together for him. 

OH COME. ON. LAUREN! Wussin' out with Natural Woman. I love this song, but again -- NOT A ROCK SONG! There are PLENTY of songs and artists out there this girl could have handled during this theme week and she goes with old school r&b. WUSS! And sorry, I didn't really like this at all. Blank expression on her face the entire song. No connection whatsoever. None. So disappointing. It's like the fancier they make her look the more disconnected she gets.

So JAMES makes it to his cake round and he decides to slow it down with "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." Ummmm...not sure if this is a great idea. But it turns out I had no worries...that ending came out of nowhere and was SUH-WEET! I think he did the right thing. He's all, "hey, here's my pretty voice, I actually have one...but don't forget...I'M STILL AN EFFIN' ROCKSTAR, MUTHA TRUCKAH!!!" And by the way Lauren, THAT'S HOW YOU CONNECT TO A SONG. Mama likey. 

So we're gonna get to see SCOTTY do his Elvis after all. Okaaaaayyyyy...flawless vocal. Weird stage presence. Can't think of anything else to say, really. (Ryan asks of the squealing girls, "Where'd THEY come from?" Uh...SAG?  )

Christian Slater looks amazing. If he's had work done, it's VERY GOOD work. Way to age, dude. And I loved your last show, "The Forgotten." Just sayin.

PIA, don't you dare disappoint me tonight. PLEASE tear it up! Well, it's a predictable choice...Celine's version of Ike & Tina's "River Deep Mountain High," but I'll be happy if she shakes a tail feather and uses the stage. Ok, no tail feathers exactly shaking, but at least she tried to move a little and she also sang the piddle out of it. And I can attest, that is a hardhardhardhard song, the range alone is a killer. I still would have asked her to put some flats on and bust a move, but it was still an improvement over the last couple snoozerific performances she's given (pipes aside, of course). I just want this girl to CUT. LOOSE! Viva Italia!

STEFANO is going to do Percy Sledge's "When A Man Loves A Woman" which I think will be a great song choice for him. I don't think this is a rock song either, but clearly no one asked me this week.  Man, this kid can really really sing. I thought that was excellent. I liked the arrangement too, starting so lightly and ending lightly, unlike everyone else who comes out balls to the wall on this song giving it nowhere to go. I thought it was really solid. Viva Italia!

This week PAUL is gonna give us "Folsom Prison Blues," which I think will work for him. Now THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT! That was the spirit of rock n' roll, my friends! For starters, THANK YOU Paul for putting some UMPH into the line "I killed a man in Reno just to watch him die"...which is a sick and twisted lyric and should therefore BE SUNG like it's sick and twisted and NO ONE ever goes there with it and it's a pet peeve...but YOU DID. Thank you. One of my favorite performances of the night. AND that's the most in tune he's sung in weeks on top of it. When it's your zone it's your zone.

Oh we're done? Yay! My faves of the night were Haley and Paul. Or wait no...James too...er...well Pia sang really well...then Casey, when you sandwich "bad" and "ass" together you get "bass"...Stefano is just so good...aw crud, I dunno. I'm awfully hard on them and yet NONE of them totally blew it at all. I have no idea who's going home. They're all fantastic talents. Basically, the results shows are going to suck hard from here till the end. I'll be sad to see any of them go.

Back to learning songs from Tiffany's new album "Rose Tattoo" for Saturday night's release party! It's a good album, especially if you like country music. Check it out!

"A WORKING MUSICIAN'S REVIEW" - AMERICAN IDOL TOP 11, TAKE 2 (3/30)

For the newbies, I'm Darci Monet and I make music and teach people to sing for a living. I have two albums out, I perform all over L.A., I've sung backup for some super cool people, I've won a few awards for songwriting and some of my students are making great careers for themselves. Also, I am making my very first music video, which I am describing as a "video love letter to the world"!  My production team and I would love for you to keep up with our progress on our Facebook page.

I've been watching American Idol since season one and kvetching about it since season two. I do "drive-by reviews"...one watch, first impression critiques (cuz you don't get do-overs in concert). Thank you for reading, and please feel free to pipe in with your opinions, even if they disagree with mine -- just keep it on a grown up level. Thank you! 

___________________________________________

ELTON JOHN TUNES, WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!! 

Don't mess it up, kids. 

Scotty's up first with "Country Comfort"...gee-tar and everything. Well...I just can't say anything negative about this kid ever. Ok, except that last basement note was slightly sharp but that's just being nit-picky cuz he knows who he is and he knows how to give that to the audience and he passes with flying colors every time. He's a natural. He could get voted off tomorrow and I think a bidding war would break out. It's done. 

Hmmm...Naima's made a reggae tune out of "I'm Still Standing." Hmmmm. I didn't hate it at all, I just felt like she could have gotten revved up a little sooner. Reggae's not about flashy vocals but American Idol is, and she has the ability to hear and sing jazz licks so I think throwing some in may have been a benefit. Her performance style reminds me a little of Gwen Stefani back in the Tragic Kingdom days. I disagree w/Jen and Randy...I thought the style worked for the song, she just didn't sell it enough is all.

The Taco Bell dogs next door have been barking for a straight hour and a half. I'm just about willing to stick a fork in each ear to make it go away. 

Here comes Paul with the classic "Rocket Man." Oh Paul...I do love you, but just not this song on you. Here's the thing about Elton John's songs...melody is king and if your voice isn't built to handle such a thing then you're gonna have trouble on this particular theme night. When Paul's in his element he's a superstar - this is just not his element. He probably should've picked an up-tempo where he could play more on his quirky strengths. Still think he's a great performer, though. And that suit...nice nod to Sir Elton's flashier days.

Ryan...what's up with your hair tonight? Kinda makes me wanna beat you up after school or something. Eek.

Hey Pia's doing a ballad...WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING???!!! I NEVER SAW THAT COMING!!!  Well...I'm sick to death of "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" but I have to say that it was refreshing to hear a female do it for a change. She once again sang her patootie off and as always looked stunning (sick outfit!). And I did feel like she brought a little bit more emotional connection to it than she has so far. But still...there's an "I-love-you-don't-touch-me" vibe that's got to be cracked. MAKE ME CARE, PIA! SING LIKE YOU MEAN IT!!! When you finally do...it's gonna be on like Donkey Kong. Viva Italia!

Poor Stefano and his super tight pants. I'm just really upset about that for him.  He's singing "Tiny Dancer." (Does anyone realize Elton John has WAY more songs than the ones we've heard so far tonight?) Well, he worked HARD to keep those pretty eyes open tonight and work the stage...good for him. He's just so freakin' adorable, I want to toss him over my shoulder and take him home and make him my famous spaghetti and meatballs. Not sure I loved this song on him, there are plenty of others that would've fit his voice better and allowed his natural soulfulness to shine through. A good job, but not sure it'll be enough to keep him for another week if he was in the bottom three last week. Viva Italia anyway!

Steven hears what in Stefano's...Broadway??? Wha huh...???  Mr. Tyler's clearly never been to a cabaret. Or even a Broadway show for that matter. 

I have a horrible feeling Lauren's gonna sing "Candle In The Wind." Ugh. UGH! It's really not fun to be right all the freakin' time, people.  KILLER dress. But I was completely, hopelessly bored. It's not like she didn't sing it well...she really took great care with it vocally, but I didn't feel it. Maybe cuz I hate this song. Maybe I'm getting jaded cuz everyone's so talented this year. Sorry judges, I just didn't see what you did. 

James, please my child, KICK THIS SNOOZER OF A SHOW UP A NOTCH! Oh I knew you would do "Saturday Night's Alright." YEAH!!!! SPLITS OFF THE STEPS! FLYING MIC STAND! FLAMING PIANO! OUT OF TUNE HIGH NOTES!   Oh well, I really didn't care about that last little bit. That was a MUCH needed infusion of fun. He's so comfortable doing what he does...the song fit him like a glove. Made me miss my rock chick days (and my rock chick figure). James doesn't quite have the impeccable control of Adam Lambert but he sure brings as much fun. 

Jasmine...er Thia...is going to sing "Daniel." Shocker, a slow tune. Again...did ANYONE actually LOOK at the Elton John catalog? Okay, shut up Darci, that was lovely. Really, really lovely. Beyond her years. Still the slightest hair consistently under pitch but maybe it wasn't enough for the average joe to notice. She told me the story and she made me care. Well done, Little Bit. 

Casey's gonna sing "Your Song." *sigh* zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Okay, shut up again, Darci. Cuz that was NIIIIIIIIIIIICE. Tender, with some grit at just the right spots, not overdone and charmingly performed. Excellent switch up. I hope that was enough to save him.

My nail polish matches JLo's dress. Just in case anyone was wondering.

A softer, gentler Jacob is up next? I can't take any softer and gentler ANYBODY. Okay maybe I'll make an exception because I absolutely ADOREADOREADORE "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word"!!!  (Trivial side note: this song was pitched to Joe Cocker originally and he turned it down. He ended up recording it years later on "Two Rooms," a mostly excellent tribute to the music of John and Taupin put out in the early 90's. Look it up!) Aw jeez. Like Jennifer Hudson did when she was on this show (and still does whenever she sings), there's something in Jacob's voice that puts a lump in my throat immediately. Where I come from we call that an annointing. I can't describe it and I know a lot of people will disagree. Maybe I'm just having an emotional day and can relate a little too well to this song presently. Regardless, he did his job. To be fair, the front end I didn't love all that much, there was weird diction going on, but it didn't take much for him to make me fuggedaboudit. It worked and it made me want to watch it again. JHud is the only other contestant that's ever made me rewind.

Haley closes with "Benny & The Jets," which is such a fun song. Seriously I LOVE her voice. LOVE. She put some STANK on that song!!! YES!!! I wish the band had upped it a notch to match her but that didn't seem to deter her at all. Plus she wasn't Hunchback Haley tonight which made me REALLY happy. One of my favorite performances of hers, everything fell into place tonight. Suh-weeeeet. Bravo! 

Oh yay, it's over. Even a bunch of good singers can't make an endless night of ballads work, people! No idea what will happen tomorrow night, but I'm pretty sure it won't be as uplifting as last week's elimination show.  

Sweet dreams, errbody!