It's been a long time since I blogged. Time constraints, a lot of work that requires bunches of typing and nothing to really say have kept me away. But I see myself getting back to it, as expressing myself through words seems to help me maintain my sanity.
Recently I have found myself heartbroken, for the first time in YEARS. I will not go into detail for many reasons, one of which is to honor the privacy of my aforementioned heartbreaker, because he's not a bad guy, he just missed the mark. But that said, I am working through my healing process slowly and in my effort not to allow this experience to make me bitter, jaded or too scared to try again, I needed to write this prayer...to him. So, here it is.
I know you did the best you could with the self-awareness you had at the time. I know you have fought battles that have nothing to do with me which have shaped you and how you related to me. I know that it's difficult in our world to be a man and let go of what you were taught were signs of weakness. Though you hurt me deeply, for these reasons I don't want to punish you for it. Honestly, I think the fortress you've built around your heart is punishment enough.
Rather, I want to thank you for showing me what I want, need and deserve for myself. I want to thank you for showing me a tiny glimpse of what is eventually possible. I want to thank you for reawakening my heart, which was so very cold for so very long; I wasn't sure it was even capable of openness ever again. Because of you, I know that it can be.
I thank you for holding me hard and tight, for kissing me with tenderness and intent, for showing me with your touch the things you'd be damned to ever admit to me aloud. I know those moments were real, sacred, all mine, all ours, and they forever will be. I will never forget them...or even try.
Though it was all too brief, I am grateful for the gift of having known you and for the place you hold in my life - and now in my history. I thank you for being the teacher my soul needed, to teach me the lessons I needed, all which are to come, within Divine timing.
I will - and do - miss you fiercely. And it will be a while before that's no longer the case.
I forgive you. I forgive myself for not following my gut and therefore allowing myself to get hurt in the first place. I cannot blame you for my own mistakes. I hope you will eventually forgive yourself, too, in whatever way you need to. And if you need to forgive me, I hope that you can do so.
And now I release you to your own path. I release you from my heart, my mind, my body, my very soul, and I lift you up in Love and Light for nothing but your greatest good. I wish you peace and contentment of heart. I sincerely, honestly wish you well, to experience a blossoming of awareness and healing so that you may lead a beautiful, fulfilling life. My wish for you is to one day experience a whole, complete Love that you will fully allow yourself to accept...to do so without fear and with reckless abandon because you are assured a soft place to fall.
And I am hopeful that one day we can both think back on our time together with gratitude, warmth and a smile, knowing that once we had been good for each other.
And so it is.
"And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire."