Darci's 2010 Reflect-O-Blog

Well, here it is. New Year's Day 2011. I can't warm up, I have the sniffles and a cough, I didn't go out last night, I had to get up early on a Saturday to go feed my friend's dog, my Blackberry keeps shutting itself down and I have no clue which direction to go with my career from here. Oh yeah...and stupid Time Warner cable doesn't give me access to Oprah's new OWN network. I have access to 997 channels of violent, over-sexed, embarrassing-for-America trash...but TW won't give me the ONE channel that's sole purpose is uplifting television. *sigh*

And still my heart is light as I'd like to shout from the rafters, "THANK GOD 2010 IS OVER!!! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! PRAISALUIAH!!!" 

 

And I thought 2009 was a roller coaster. 2010 cleaned its clock and took its name.

Starting off with my baby sister moving to Chicago one year ago today, the first half of the year was all downhill from there. It felt like I was mourning a death (Taurus' HATE change). My sisters are my best friends. So it was a good four months before I could actually talk to her on the phone, cuz the sound of her cheerful little voice would just make me burst into tears like a stoopit girl. I know, ridonkulous, right? Get OVER yourself, you freakin' pansy. Some people have actually lost loved ones for real this year -- you have no right to act this selfish. 

And yet, I did. 

This is not to say I cocooned myself in my apartment for half a year or actually allowed myself to wallow all that often. I made great efforts to get out of the doldrums (this is a big deal for me, cuz I tend to enjoy the wallowing). However...the Great Recession decided to nail me full force at the same time, so "fun" - which costs a buck or two - was few and far between. I think I went from January (which is usually a busy time of year for me for voice students, what with New Year's rezzies and all) to June with two or three students MAX at any given time. Sometimes it was one student a week. My nanny job was precarious from week to week because the girls' mom had been laid off the previous July and money was really getting tight for them by this point. 

Then came news of the devastating earthquake in Haiti, which very quickly snapped me out of my "woah-is-me" mentality. So one of my biggest efforts to get back on the posi-train was to produce a benefit for Doctors Without Borders. I was so grateful to have a focus, something to keep me busy, something to do for others so I could stay out of my head (I'm not saying I was grateful for the quake, do NOT misunderstand me -- it simply woke me up). Alaaaaaasssssss...a friend who had agreed to run sound for me misinterpreted something I said, refused to accept my apology (or even speak to me) and backed out of the benefit a week before the show. I then found myself scrambling to find sound equipment and someone to run it to pull off the show while deeply grieving the end of that friendship. Even still...there's that little lump in my throat when I think about it -- it's never been resolved.

So one of my best friends moved far away and another threw me completely out of his life in the span of about five weeks.

BP Oil Spill. Earthquakes in Chile and China. My beloved Nashville gets flooded and the news media doesn't give a rip cuz they were too busy covering the spill and the UNSUCCESSFUL car bomb in NY (2010 went on to produce $222 billion worth of disasters before it was over. Jesus is coming - look busy!).

The icing though? The friggin' cherry? This year I was turning...ahem...coughcough...gulp...the big 4-0. This was a problem for several reasons. 

1) Some say a woman in the entertainment industry is dead after 25.

2) I decided when I moved here in 2001 that I'd tell people I was 27. I kinda still had been.

3) I have always said that when I turned 40 I'd stop lying about my age.

4) But wait - I'm still 27!!!

But most pressing...

5) What the hell have I been doing for forty years? I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING! NUH. THING. AT. ALL! THIS ISN'T WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BY FORTY! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

My friends all have successful careers, businesses, beautiful families, etc. Now, I chose long ago not to worry about marriage and kids and I still do NOT regret that. But I do recognize that my friends who have chosen that path have accomplished a beautiful thing and they have their legacy. Me? I married music and the songs I write are my babies. And at that moment I felt like no more dysfunctional a "family" could possibly exist. My "husband" was a selfish, soul-sucking, finance-depleting, unemployable good for-nothing who beat me and my "kids" were wit-challenged, lazy, whiny little ingrates who contributed nothing to the family unit and made me wonder often how a reasonably intelligent and talented individual such as I could have produced such rotten offspring.

And where do I go from here?

Needless to say, the first half of the year felt like I was constantly gasping for air, for SOME kind of life, grasping for SOME spark of creativity, for SOME kind of validation that I hadn't completely destroyed my life. For the first time in my entire life I wasn't just alone...I was lonely. I honestly feared I'd soon have to decide if I was going to show up on my mother's doorstep, accept that my life as a performer and recording artist was over and I would now live the rest of my life as a batty old maid with cats, teaching tone-deaf 11 year olds songs from "Annie" for twenty-five bucks an hour. In Johnstown, NY. While the place has cleaned up a lot since I left,there's still nothing else to do there but get drunk or pregnant...just as it was in high school. Obviously, my eggs are pretty hard-boiled at this point. So that leaves drunk. Cheers.

I know, I know. SHUT UP ALREADY!  

The healing began with Jim Caruso's Cast Party at the Magic Castle on April 1st, where I, accompanied by the great Billy Stritch, sang to a packed room of big deal theater folk, producers, composers, celebrities, etc....and the crowd roared. Then came a show I was called to do at the last minute -- a Broadway review show. I had to sing real show tunes, where I accidentally rediscovered my inner actress...and found out that I can be really funny while I'm singing and the sound of people laughing at you (when they're supposed to) is really addicting. I realized it had been soooooo long since I'd really performed with total abandon that I'd forgotten what it was like. Little flickers of life...

Then I threw myself a birthday party. Not cuz I really wanted to celebrate my entrance into official middle-agedom, but because I didn't want to regret that I didn't later. It was that decision that brought forth a miracle in my heart. Since I already chronicled it in an earlier blog, I won't go into detail again, but suffice it to say that a) I found out how many people actually do give a s**t or two about me in this god-forsaken city and b) as soon as I turned that dreaded number...I STOPPED CARING ABOUT IT. I had built up so much anxiety over it for months and months (okay, pretty much since I turned 35)...I don't know what I was expecting it to feel like. Like a truck hitting me or something? It didn't. It came in on a wave of love, celebration, laughter and music. And I literally woke up RELEASED afterward. Almost like I'd had great sex! Not that I recall what that's like either...but as I imagine it would be. Like in the movies and stuff. But I digress...

Then I took a wonderful trip to New York City with my amazing Canadian friend Tiffany (she made it all possible) where I watched my good friend/co-writer Levi win a Tony, where I got to sing at the world famous Birdland, where we spent some time at the Statue of Liberty, Ellis Island, Ground Zero...it rejuvenated me further. I came home having decided, for once and for all, that my life is MINE and can be whatever I want it to be. No one gets to tell me "no" but me. You wanna tell me I'm too old? You wanna tell me I'm too fat? I'm not pretty enough? I don't sing the "right" way? I'm all over the niche map? I'm not qualified to teach voice because I don't have my masters in education, my certification in speech level technique, or because I'm a bad accompanist on the piano? You go right ahead. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya! I have been THROUGH IT Nelly, and I'm still standing. Forty is a new beginning for me. I know what I know, I know what I do well and I know that every preconceived notion our society dreams up for us all falls away the minute I open my mouth to sing in front of an audience or instruct a student on how to open their mouth and SING. So naysayers, put that in your pipe and smoke it. Well, not really, cuz smoking is bad for you. So just...go away or something. Pee pee all over someone else's Wheaties.

Thanks to my new 'tude, the rest of the year has mostly been a tidal wave of new students, meeting other musicians, singing at every cabaret and piano bar that will have me, another benefit for Nashville where miracles happened (never mind that I almost killed my neighbor putting the show on), auditioning for tv shows and commercials (as an actor, no less!), slowly dipping my toe into attending church again and my cousin Jenny's wedding! I have had a lot of fun since May and I think I've performed more in 2010 than I did in all the years I've lived here since 2001. Okay, that's kinda sad. But that's what I allowed my life to be before now. I have hoarded my gifts since I moved here - I was warned by a Nashville friend who knew a little about how L.A. works that I should NEVER sing for free out here. "Once it gets out that you'll sing for free, you'll NEVER get paid." So I took that advice to heart. Nine years later that advice hasn't worked (I'm a slow learner, shut up). So this year I finally said, "Screw it, I'll sing anywhere...it's the ONLY thing that makes me happy whether I'm paid for it or not." And while I haven't exactly been rollin' in the dough, a funny thing happened. My student roster started growing. Every time I sing, someone asks for my card. So this year I'll have PAID gigs AND lots of students. And some studio work again (which is my fave cuz I don't have to gussy up!). And maybe a tour...singing backup for someone, a national tour of a Broadway show, my own shows...I don't care what it is. I'm gonna travel and sing, travel and sing. 

So now I feel excited about 2011. I still have NO CLUE what I'm gonna do with it, but I'm going one day at a time right now. My only true goals are to be kinder to myself, kinder to others, write songs and sing, sing, sing. All the pieces around that will fall where they may. Nothing is more important than nurturing my own light which will then spread joy and healing to others via my God-given gifts. There, campers, is your meaning of life. And even though it appears I won't get to see her say it on OWN, as Oprah says, "Live your best life." Truly -- when you choose to do that, others are inspired to live their best lives too and that's what heals the world. And so it is.

Peace, joy, blessings, abundance and love to ALL of you in 2011!

Namaste,

Darci

God is screaming at me...

Greetings, little lambs! So we are now eight days into the New Year and wow, what a difference a few days makes. I am feeling considerably better and far more clear-headed than I was in my last post and that probably has a lot to do with allowing myself the first three days of the year to feel sorry for myself and get it all out of my system. Well, almost all of it anyway...I'm still prone to burst into tears at oddly inappropriate moments; it's just that they are simply fewer and farther between now. Also, I somehow started New Year's Day with nearly nothing on my calendar for January - yet now I'm not sure when I'll next have time for a full 8 hours of sleep! This is a good thing though, because I'm pretty sure God is screaming at me, "KEEP GOING, STOOPIT!!!"

My friend Candy says to me the other day, "Darc, you act like you haven't DONE anything. You know how they say 'a writer writes'...? You're a musician making music -- you're doing it." And I suppose she has an excellent point there...there are plenty of closet musicians in the world who don't even play for their own enjoyment anymore and I've certainly been that person at times in my life. I think what was getting me is that I had done lots of things that never seemed to actually lead anywhere. But I suppose as they say, "everything in its own time"...things happen when they're supposed to and when you're ready. There's that little quote, "Success is when preparedness meets opportunity." My friend and sight singing teacher Gerald White said in class once that the people who make it in this town are the people who were READY when the opportunities came knocking. I can look back on my life and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I was NOT ready in the past. I feel like I am now.

So I'm a slow learner. Meh.

Anyway...out of the blue on Monday Tony Sweet asks me to come on his show at LA Talk Radio and talk about my music. I managed to lift my woah-is-me behind up to the keyboard and wipe my snot-nose long enough to type, "YES PLEASE!" Soooooo cool, cuz he's had some seriously big deal guests...like...

Mo'Nique ...

Sherri Shepherd...

Margaret Cho...

the incomparable Martha Wash...

...and many, many others. I've wanted to be on his show for quite awhile, because he is - wait for it - a gay Christian. No, that's not an oxymoron. They really exist. And I love that he has a show out there with the intent of drawing more of the same together. And seriously...THAT is my audience. Growing up in an evangelical home and now considering my most loyal fans are gay...it's a perfect fit. And as luck would have it, I had just gotten my first dance mix (holla, to Josh Harris!) and it was perfect timing to kick off its release on the show. It was such a privilege - not to mention SUPER fun - to be on the show tonight.

Tomorrow we're doing test shoots for my first music video, Sunday I compete in a singing competition called "Hollywood Idol" (whether I win or not I don't care - it's an opportunity to get to sing "Barracuda" with a live band, one of my favorite things to do on the planet!), Monday rehearsal with Debby Holiday to play the NAMM show on Friday, buncha students on Tuesday (Praisaluiah!!!), another round of Fame starts on Wednesday, students Thursday, oh it looks like NEXT Friday I can sleep...oh no wait...that's NAMM, up to Santa Barbara that weekend to visit my friend Chann who will be in the area for the week, and in the midst of all this I will be babysitting my quasi-nieces Rylie and Kayla (lurve!) here and there, writing/recording/releasing a song by Valentine's Day, hopefully singing a few Sundays at Church of the Brethren, recording some vocals for my old friend Chris Mitchell's new album, emailing a bazillion DJ's to beg them to spin my new dance mix of "Jezebel"...and driving myself off a cliff. If I'm smart, that is.

I cannot complain. Most of these commitments involving music have literally come about since my last post.

God is screaming at me.

Candy said, "You're doing it."

I suppose I am.

Main reason for this blog though is really to share that I will be visiting NYC in June. "Big deal," you think. "Anyone can visit New York." Hold up, now. While that is certainly true, one cannot always visit New York for FREE.

But I am!

A few years ago CBS had an AWESOME reality show called Rockstar: INXS. It was American Idol on steroids, rocking out, with FAR better talent and the most killer for-hire band in prime time I'd ever heard. Like I write my WMR for A.I., I decided to do so on the Rockstar message boards for that show as well. I ended up with a few fans from it. My friend Tiffany was one of them.

(To clarify, not "I Think We're Alone Now" Tiffany. This is Canadian Tiffany. She says "aboot.")

Tif has a wonderful husband and two daughters, one of whom was terribly sick with a heart condition and struggled through the first years of her little life. While she's still got some developmental issues, she's a corker and doing pretty dang well now. Tiffany used a song I wrote with Levi called "Hardly A Hero" to make a video to thank the nurses that worked at the hospital. It was really touching and reminded me that when the focus of what I do starts leaning way too heavily toward "the biz," I need to take a step back and remember that music is an element of healing and I have the privilege of being a vessel for it.

Fast forward to present day. Tif and I share lots of pictures and anecdotes of her girls and "my" girls (the twins) on ye olde Facebook just about every day. She mentions a few months ago about wanting to visit New York City for her birthday, but I think nothing of it, really. Then out of the blue recently she decides to ask me what I'm doing in June. My first thought was, "Probably nothing, like every other month in my life." (Tortured artist - my emotions are roller-coastery!) What I think I said was, "Dunno, why?" She proceeds to tell me that she is definitely going to go to NYC for her birthday, her hubby doesn't want to go, her friends up in Canada can't go and she REALLY felt led to ask me to go and that my flight would be paid for using points she's earned on her credit card. We could share a hotel room.

*cue record scratch*

What I say: "Tiffany, I snore like Shrek. No one who's ever shared a room with me has EVER done it again. It's really not advisable." (Right, Karen? Sisters?)

What I think: "And plus...we've never met in person. What if it turns out we hate each other???"

She says what I'd been thinking, "I know we haven't met in person and it might be weird. Let me think." (I get the impression that she thinks I made up the whole snoring thing to be polite...oh how I wish that were true! Karen? Sisters?) She tinkers for a day and messages me again. Turns out she's got enough points for both our flights and SEPARATE HOTEL ROOMS!

Now I start thinking to myself, "Self...you could be a totally fearful freak about this, or you can consider that you have been stewing for a good year now on how you could make a cost-effective trip to NYC to do a show soon and consider that God might be screaming at you again..." I also thought, "But it's too easy..."

And it really was. We had to mess with dates a little...Tiffany is a mother of two after all and she's got a very busy, activity-filled life and is leaving the kids with Dad for a whole five days, which...well...we all know how amazing moms are, let's just put it that way. But then HER mother, or mother-in-law?, said, "Just go and have fun. I got the kids." Then last night she's checking flights and such and everything is SO CHEAP. Tiffany keeps saying, "It's so meant to be! It's soooooo meant to be!"

And so last night she booked the tickets. And we will be in New York City celebrating our birthdays (mine is in May, hers the week before the trip), she for the first time EVER, me for the first time since 2006, from June 14th through the 18th. I'm going to bust my patootie to learn to play my own songs on the piano so I can book myself a show at Rockwood Music Hall, where I sang with Levi the last time I was in NYC. We're also going to be seeing the new musical Million Dollar Quartet (which will be starring someone I know). As my little seester Mandi would say, "IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!"

And if it turns out Tif's left of nutso, I have several friends in the city with which to hide.

Just kidding, Tif!

I cannot express what a blessing this is. I cannot express my shock, either. This past year I have been stunned at the generosity of others in my life. I didn't say so at the time, but my flight to Nashville in October was paid for with a friend's hubby's frequent flier miles, too. Out of the blue she said, "We want to do this for you. We're in a position to help, so let us."

(You should know that on the vision board I made on New Year's Eve 2008, I had placed pictures of L.A., Nashville and New York, with the words "on the road again" beside them, having no idea how I would possibly make those trips happen.)

The lap top I use to teach my Skype lessons - donated by another friend through a program at his work. "Don't spend any money yet, I think I can get you something." Another friend earlier this week made a donation toward my music video. "Go make your video and DON'T use it on rent and DON'T talk about this anymore or I'll hang up on you right now." (Cuz of course I was blubbering over the phone, "Ohmygahthatisamazingicantpossiblyletyoudothisohmygahohmygahohmygah!")  And quite a few other things as simple as "We want to treat you to the new Harry Potter movie!" Or, "Come over and let me cook you my grandma's spaghetti and meatballs." Or one of the BEST things, "Let me pay for your cleaning lady to come, I know it's been awhile." (He had no idea! Seriously, DO THIS for a friend if you can, it's the BEST gift EVER!)

It appears people want me to succeed. Lunatics.

And yet...I complain? About ANYTHING? REALLY? I feel like I have no friends? Shut your frickin' piehole, Darci. No, I may not have someone only a mile or two away who's going to enable my ice cream addiction and allow me to whine and moan and slobber all over their shoulder and ruin their shirt. But it turns out I have so much more than that. I have love coming at me from ALL. OVER. NORTH. AMERICA. And probably from a couple folks across the pond, too. And how many people can lay claim to that? Yes, God is screaming at me. And conspiring with my friends - both old and new - to keep me from sentencing myself to a life behind a desk. If they all believe in me that much, and if I've been given a gift that is intended to be shared on more than just a local level, then I can do nothing but honor these calls to action. Anything less from me, at this point, would be an insult.

Yes God, I hear you. You can pipe down a little now.