Missed Connections

On this Valentine's Day, 

May you feel the love you never allowed me to give you. 

May you know somewhere in the deep, hidden recesses of your heart that it would have been real, genuine and freely shared without condition. 

May your subconcious cause you to smile for what you think at the moment is no reason, but is really the warmth of me wishing you well and desiring your complete happiness. 

And I hope that tonight you are wrapped in the arms of someone you truly want, and who truly wants you, and that you are not feeling the emptiness that comes with could've beens.

As for me, I will simply be grateful that our stars brushed against each other briefly on their paths through the Universe to our truest joy.

#Agápe

#4DB

Ushering in 2015

I honestly don't know where this particular blog post is going to end up. I have had a humdinger of a year and I just might be going through a mid-life crisis of sorts. Actually, whether it has to do with my age, I don't honestly know, I just know that I seem to be at a major crossroads in my life and something has to be done about it, because I cannot continue to feel the way I have been and survive. It's that simple.

Much about 2014 was good. I did a lot of singing and getting back on stage, as always starting with the NAMM show in January with my dear friend and fellow diva Debby Holiday. As a wonderful bonus I also got to see my friend Mary there, with whom I used to work in Nashville at BMI. I honestly don't think either of us could tell you when the last time we saw each other before that was, so it was a real blessing to have even a short time together.

↓ Debby, me and Mary at NAMM in Anaheim. ↓

Next was a long, hot summer of "Chew On This," a musical/cabaret show-type vehicle starring and written by my good friend Gilmore Rizzo which featured bubble gum pop tunes from the 50's through the 70's. We revived this show from a few years ago at the French Market. This time we did a weekend of shows in Palm Springs in July and then a six week run at the NoHo Arts Center in August and September. The music was vocally challenging, the cast and band was full of wonderful people I enjoyed working and spending time with and Gilmore wrote me a part that truly showcased my strengths as a singer and comedic actor. As with any independently produced show, we had some bumps along the road, but overall, it was a wonderful experience and I am grateful for it. AND my friend Tiffany got to come in from Canada to see it! She also brought me a bag of Canadian goodies. My kinda friend. 

↓ The cast of "Chew On This" in Palm Springs ↓

↓ l to r: Gilmore Rizzo, Barbara Shane, Jessica Buda and moi. ↓

After that I was invited to do a three song set at Oil Can Harry's for Lori Donato's Sunday Jam, which happens the second and third Sunday of every month. My long time friend and piano man extraordinaire Rob Bowers accompanied me on "Stuff Like That There," "Come Rain or Come Shine" and "I Keep It Hid."  You can see the videos from that on my YouTube page.

↓ Flyer for Lori Donato's Sunday Jam ↓

Nursing a broken heart, I needed to keep myself busy and distracted after that. So, I booked a free vocal master class in November, which went aces (I plan to do another one soon) and followed it up with a webcast concert called "Christmas at Darci's," on Concert Window.  The aforementioned Rob Bowers was my musical director and accompanist, my awesome friend Marie Pettit was my on-camera chat room moderator (and changed Christmas hats like Cher changes costumes in concert), her husband (also my awesome friend) Chris Gregson ran the camera, and we had a tiny handful of people in my living room to give it a "live" feel while everyone else across the country logged in to watch on their computers and other handy-dandy tech devices. It was so much fun and, I think, a smashing success. I'm very excited to do another one soon.

↓ Flyer for "Christmas at Darci's" ↓

↓ Me and Rob after the show. ↓

I also wrote , recorded and released a single for download on my website, "December Come Around." It was the first song I'd recorded in five years, the first Christmas song I've ever written and the first song I'd written without a co-writer since I lived in Nashville (so, we're talking at least 14 years, if not longer). I'm very proud of it and hope to pitch it this year (to Carrie Underwood or Jennifer Hudson, if a girl can dream). You can still get it on iTunes, if you missed it.

↓ Album cover for "December Come Around" ↓ 

Also, back in May I took a trip out to Fort Lauderdale to visit my dad and his wife and had a wonderful, relaxing time.  

↓ Con mi Padre celebrating my birthday. ↓

My baby brother just got engaged (wedding coming up in May)...

↓ The Travster and my future seester-een-law, Laura. ↓

...and my cousin Jenny had her first baby in November... ↓

...oh, and I mustn't forget that I had my first trip to Disneyland ever, courtesy of Gilmore Rizzo. At Christmas, even! ↓

Sounds like a pretty good year, right? Lots of good, good stuff.  

Well, in the midst of all that:

• I got my heart smashed to bits. I mentioned that in my last blog post.
• I lost several loyal students due to various reasons; one which I had to make the decision to drop because his mother made me hassle her for payment every month. Yuck. I cannot seem to keep enough students to survive, ever, even though I know I'm very good at what I do. Other friends of mine who are coaches have waiting lists...and for some reason I do not. I feel like I've tried lots of different things to get my name out there but nothing has worked. My students apparently don't tell anyone they're even taking voice lessons let alone who from, even while singing my praises to my face. So, word of mouth hasn't worked, either.
• When I did my Christmas webcast, I did it mostly with my Nashville and New York peeps in mind, because they're always squawking about how they miss hearing me sing or they wish they could make it to my shows but for where they live. I also thought this would be a great idea because people don't actually have to leave their homes and go anywhere, which in L.A. is a big deal. This saves them exorbitant parking fees, food/beverage requirements and travel time. Though I still feel it was a success overall, it was still really disheartening that the majority of people who logged in to watch were Californians and primarily not the people who are the loudest about wishing they could see me perform. Also, people complained that it was too complicated (it wasn't - if you can manage Facebook, you can manage Concert Window - my mother managed and if she can, anyone can). None of my extended family logged in.
• I sold exactly 13 downloads of my new single. That's One. Three. And not a single one to anyone who's said to me in the past, "Why don't you put some new music out?"  "It's time for you to record something new." "Why don't you ever record anymore?" Not a single download to anyone in my family, save for my sister Mandi. It cost 99 cents. I know, I asked people to break the bank. *note sarcasm*
• I have completely lost the joy of singing because I cannot seem to recover my voice to its former range and strength due to years of fighting sinus infections that produced a violent cough that made me lose my voice. While I seem to have found a way to keep the cough at bay now, I don't have what I used to, I don't sound like I used to, my instrument is not nearly what it used to be, which was what made me unique, and it's now so much effort to produce sound that it's not an enjoyable thing to do anymore. I never know if I can count on my voice, so booking something like "Chew On This" was a terrifying leap of faith. I don't feel comfortable trying to book other gigs because I don't know if my voice will be there on that given day. 

All of these are facts of what happened this year, all of which have led me to a place in which I'm asking myself, "What's the point?" Nothing I mentioned above is meant to lay a guilt trip on anyone personally (and I really mean that - okay at this moment I don't mean it for the heartbreaker, I kinda want him to choke on it), but I must wonder truly, what is the point of anything I try to do, when I can look back over the course of my entire life and career (if you can even call it a career) and feel like every attempt I've ever made at anything - music, work, relationships, certain friendships and business partnerships, et al - has failed miserably? When it seems like no one could possibly give less of a shit in supporting me? I have so many regrets I've lost count. So many "almosts" and "whatifs" and "couldashouldawouldas." A longtime friend of mine once said to me, "No one works harder than you and is more unsuccessful at it." He's right. 

He's absolutely right.  

I also had another longtime friend - who does not live here - tell me I've done nothing to get anywhere in my career. At which point I told him to stop effing talking if he wanted his nose to stay in the same place it is currently.  

So, there's that, too. How many more of you think that about me, I wonder?

But more importantly, things aren't the point. I work from home, which I've wanted to do for years and I enjoy my work. It is a blessing. I live in a great apartment that I love. I have wonderful friends all over the country. I love my family and can't wait to be with them all in May. Can't beat the weather here in SoCal most of the time. I felt my heart open up for the first time in years, when I didn't think it was possible for that to ever happen again. I consider that a damned miracle, despite the beating it took afterward. My family and friends are all healthy, except my Mima who is suffering from dimentia, but she's had a good, long life and possesses the constitution of an ox so she'll probably still be around for a while. I have everything I need. I want for nothing that matters. My fridge is full. My bank account is not, but I can keep a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table and the lights on...besides I don't care about being rich.

And yet, something is missing. Something is always missing. To the point where just about a week ago I was sitting on my bed, bawling my eyes out and asking no one listening, "Did I have a twin die in the womb that Mom never told me about or something? Why do I feel like a part of me is missing? Why do I feel so empty?" Indeed, why have I always felt so empty, no matter how good my life is or how spiritual I am at any given moment or where I've lived along the way? All the work I've done on myself the last few years to think positively and choose joy seems to work for a New York minute and then burns out like the end of a match. When I was growing up in an evangelical household, I don't recall ever truly feeling God's presence in my life or heart. Never once, no matter how much scripture I read and memorized or how often I prayed. I have never in my life experienced any lasting contentment, let alone happiness. I have always felt like I'm never good enough, smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, thin enough, funny enough, spiritual enough, obedient enough, financially stable enough, sexy enough, interesting enough, worthy enough, worthy enough, worthy enough, worthy enough, worthy enough, worthy enough...............

Something in me is desperately broken and I have to figure out what it is, or as I said, I will not survive. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but I do worry that if I cannot make my way out of the level of despair I've been in lately, I will give up entirely. I will just beach myself on my couch and never get back up again and people in lab coats will have to break down my door and drag my comatose ass away to the funny farm where I will spend the rest of my days staring out a window and drooling on myself (should this happen, call my sister Jodianne to make arrangements for Pickle, please. Appreesh). 

↓ DangerPickleKitty ↓

I visited a psychic the other day, one whom I've seen several times, the wonderful Tysa Goodrich. You know when you've found a good one when you leave feeling like you've had a life coaching session instead of just "having your cards read" (note: if you're one of those who thinks psychics are a joke or of the devil, you can cram it - frankly, I'm not really in a place to be tolerant of your closed-minded, fear-mongering nonsense at the moment). In discussing some of these feelings I'm having currently, she had some amazing insights for me regarding the work I need to do on myself to get out of my crud. She brought up abandonment issues, confidence issues, self-love/hate issues, addiction issues, etc., etc., all of which I have been keenly aware for years and thought I had worked through. 

Apparently I haven't. 

She said, "I feel like something in you has died. When I see you in your younger years, your late teens and early 20's, you had such a fire in your belly. You were fearless and gung ho. But now...it's like someone or something just snuffed you out. And you've been this way a long, long time. You have a very wounded, lonely little girl inside of you and you need to deal with her or nothing's going to change. And my God, you're expectations are so low!"

This of course, made me burst into tears because I knew she was right. I'm so used to feeling like a failure that I have absolutely lowered my expectations in every aspect, thinking I'll be ecstatic if just one teensy little thing ever goes right but if I dare dream for more it'll tear a hole in the time-space continuum and destroy the universe entirely. My dreams have been small for a very long time. They basically consist of: 1) survive, 2) survive and 3) survive.  And I have put a happy face band-aid on for so long, trying to force myself to choose happiness and feel good just because I was SAYING I was happy and I felt good. It didn't work when Jesus was my band-aid and it's not working now. 

FOLKS, THERE IS NO BAND-AID.

That is not to say that you can't change your life when you change your thoughts. Amazing things have happened as a result of my deciding that I would no longer live by Murphy's Law and actively participate in hating myself. Definite blessings have followed, more so than in any other time of my life.

However, I simply think I am at a point where I have to dig deeper, down to the junk, the mess, the sludge and bile and acidic goop, walk into the shit storm, look the dragon in the eye and slay that hideous bitch once and for all. I need to see a professional who can help me do that and possibly find a spiritual teacher to work in tandem. Likewise, I need to learn more about being an empath, which I've suspected I am for years, but Tysa confirmed for me recently (I like to joke that it's the least useful and most annoying of the sensitive gifts, just sucking up other peoples' emotions. Why can't I just see dead people? I can do something with that.  ). It has much bearing on my inability to let things go like others can, I think particularly when it comes to romance. 

All that said...you may be thinking, "What a Debbie Downer," or "What an ungrateful bitch," or "She ought to try having cancer." Yup to all of it and so sorry to make you feel uncomfortable.  But my journey is my journey and my pain is my pain and it affects me uniquely and I'm not apologizing for it. I'm very, very weary of pretending it doesn't exist. I hate it and I want it soothed, healed, dispersed, obliterated. Okay...that's not realistic. Life is what it is and there will always be bumps in the road. I'm just trying to keep from driving entirely off the cliff at the moment, because that's what it feels like.

In closing (yes, I hear your sighs of relief)...this year is going to be a lot of work for me. And I'm going to be documenting much of it here. It's honestly my last attempt to make something of myself and my life - meaning to feel good about it and myself and be content in it and with myself - before choosing to pack up and move back home to little old Johnstown where I will shrivel up and die alone with my cat. If you choose to follow along on my journey, thank you. Maybe it can be of help to you.

A Prayer of Release

It's been a long time since I blogged. Time constraints, a lot of work that requires bunches of typing and nothing to really say have kept me away. But I see myself getting back to it, as expressing myself through words seems to help me maintain my sanity. 

Recently I have found myself heartbroken, for the first time in YEARS. I will not go into detail for many reasons, one of which is to honor the privacy of my aforementioned heartbreaker, because he's not a bad guy, he just missed the mark. But that said, I am working through my healing process slowly and in my effort not to allow this experience to make me bitter, jaded or too scared to try again, I needed to write this prayer...to him. So, here it is.

***************************************

I know you did the best you could with the self-awareness you had at the time. I know you have fought battles that have nothing to do with me which have shaped you and how you related to me. I know that it's difficult in our world to be a man and let go of what you were taught were signs of weakness. Though you hurt me deeply, for these reasons I don't want to punish you for it. Honestly, I think the fortress you've built around your heart is punishment enough. 

Rather, I want to thank you for showing me what I want, need and deserve for myself. I want to thank you for showing me a tiny glimpse of what is eventually possible. I want to thank you for reawakening my heart, which was so very cold for so very long; I wasn't sure it was even capable of openness ever again. Because of you, I know that it can be.

I thank you for holding me hard and tight, for kissing me with tenderness and intent, for showing me with your touch the things you'd be damned to ever admit to me aloud. I know those moments were real, sacred, all mine, all ours, and they forever will be. I will never forget them...or even try.

Though it was all too brief, I am grateful for the gift of having known you and for the place you hold in my life - and now in my history. I thank you for being the teacher my soul needed, to teach me the lessons I needed, all which are to come, within Divine timing. 

I will - and do - miss you fiercely. And it will be a while before that's no longer the case.

I forgive you. I forgive myself for not following my gut and therefore allowing myself to get hurt in the first place. I cannot blame you for my own mistakes. I hope you will eventually forgive yourself, too, in whatever way you need to. And if you need to forgive me, I hope that you can do so. 

And now I release you to your own path. I release you from my heart, my mind, my body, my very soul, and I lift you up in Love and Light for nothing but your greatest good. I wish you peace and contentment of heart. I sincerely, honestly wish you well, to experience a blossoming of awareness and healing so that you may lead a beautiful, fulfilling life. My wish for you is to one day experience a whole, complete Love that you will fully allow yourself to accept...to do so without fear and with reckless abandon because you are assured a soft place to fall.

And I am hopeful that one day we can both think back on our time together with gratitude, warmth and a smile, knowing that once we had been good for each other.

And so it is.

"And if I built this fortress around your heart

Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire

Then let me build a bridge 

For I cannot fill the chasm

And let me set the battlements on fire."

                                                           ~Sting

#4DB

Gloria Had An Abortion! Par-tay!

So a beloved friend of mine who is pro-life posted an article written by another pro-life activist who was bitching about this picture:

I stopped reading the article as soon as the writer mentioned "the emasculation of men" due to feminism (total b.s.) and dogging on birth control (seriously? how do you expect there to EVER be fewer abortions if you're also anti-birth control?).

But this I'll give the writer. Ms. Steinem's tee shirt is quite possibly the most offensive, selfish, tactless, inappropriate, hateful, hurtful, UTTERLY DISGUSTING thing I have seen in a long time. I'm so pissed off by it that I actually broke out my blog because I knew a simple Facebook status update wasn't going to cut it.

First of all, I admire Ms. Steinem for much of her life's work. Without trailblazers like this woman, many of us wouldn't enjoy the freedoms we have today. She continues to fight for women to be treated as equals to men in our country - really, the world - which is an absolute necessity. Men stand to lose NOTHING when the women they love are strong, secure, educated, productive members of society. Emasculation - ha. We teach others how to treat us. "No one can make me feel inferior without my consent," said Mrs. Roosevelt.

Second, as a die hard centerist, I am a person who struggles with the pro-life vs. pro-choice argument. I absolutely positively believe that life begins at conception and will do so until some scientist comes up with definitive proof that it doesn't. Abortion therefore, to me, is straight up murder. So to that end, I lean pro-life. However, I'm also not a meat puppet whose life the government may manipulate. Nor is any other woman. I don't need Uncle Sam's nose in my uterus. Particularly in cases where there has been extraordinary emotional or physical trauma or a life is threatened. It is not my place to make anyone else's major life choices for them.  So to that end, I lean pro-choice. It's a sticky sitch.

I have always gotten irritated when one side re-names the other just to be disrespectful. I hate it when I hear a Pro-Choice person call a Pro-Life person an "Anti-Abortionist." They want to be called Pro-Life, call them Pro-Life. I PARTICULARLY hate it though when a Pro-Lifer calls a Pro-Choicer a Pro-Abortionist. Because I don't know a single Pro-Choice person who is FOR abortion. Not a single one. Every adult Pro-Choice person I've ever talked to seems pretty aware that choosing to abort is a very serious decision, one that could possibly result in destroyed relationships, future health consequences and a lifetime of regret. 

Everyone except, it appears, for Ms. Steinem here. For her, it's apparently just another Tuesday. "Oh, I had an abortion, woopdeedoo! You should try it, too!"

Seriously? THAT is the message young girls should see? We should be teaching them, "Oh, no worries...if I get pregnant I'll just get an abortion" instead of being responsible about their sexual activity in the first place? Of course accidents can happen in the best of circumstances, but I'm not talking about that. And teenagers won't see that. They just see a famous, pioneering woman cavalierly supporting abortion as birth control like it's no big deal.

BUT IT IS A BIG EFFIN' DEAL.

For women who have had abortions and regret them later - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE.

For women who've had no choice but to have an abortion because their health was in danger and forever mourn the child they never had - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE.

For the women who've had one because they were raped, especially if they never would've considered having one under any other circumstance - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE.

For the women who disagree with abortion for religious reasons (whether you agree with it or not) - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE.

For women who are desperate to have a child but cannot get pregnant and the gay couples who are desperate to start their own families but have no other way - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE.

For the men who would have done right by their girlfriends and been great dads but were given no say in the matter - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE.

For people like me who like to maintain that no one on either side of any issue is pure evil - THE CALLOUSNESS IS OFFENSIVE. And you make it impossible for me to have your back.

I love a good debate, and I have understanding for both sides of this particular one for the reasons I've already stated above, but when you figuratively stick your middle finger up at the people with whom you disagree and MAKE THE CONSCIOUS CHOICE to taunt their values, especially your own sisterhood, then I'm gonna give you serious crap about it. It's unacceptable. Part of being a real feminist, if you ask me, is to allow women to do and think HOWEVER they like, BECAUSE WE CAN, even if you wouldn't do or think the same yourself. A woman who chooses to stay home to raise her children should be considered just as much of a feminist for making that choice as a woman like me who consciously chose not to marry or have children in favor of her career. Shouldn't you, Ms. Leader of All Things Equality, have figured that out by now? Is that not what you've been fighting for all these years?

Shame on you, Gloria. That tee shirt doesn't make you a feminist. It makes you an insensitive jerk.

Lucky 2013

Well...I don't think I'm the only one who can say that 2012 was the fastest year of my life. It seems just yesterday I was blogging about welcoming it because 2011 was such a stink pile of death and loss. I am very pleased to say that 2012 may not have started out on the most positive of notes, but it has ended with joyfulness and hope for what 2013 will bring. I am very excited for Lucky 2013! But please allow me to share how I got here...because you know there's a crazy messcapade of a story...

Last year started out with new neighbors, who moved into the apartment previously occupied by my friend Matt (may he R.I.P). An older gentleman, seemed nice enough, said he was gone to work from 7am till about 10pm. No kids, just him and his cat. Perfect! I take his application, everything moves along, a few weeks later he moves in. And his deadbeat of a daughter. And her two young daughters (10 and 2, respectively). And his three cats. Into a tiny 400 square foot one bedroom apartment. Naturally, utter chaos ensues. Screaming toddler. Screaming, verbally abusive mother. Sketchy looking people I don't know on the property at all hours of the day and night. Grandpa's hard of hearing and blasts his porn through the window at decibel eleven so the people across the damned street can tell what he's watching. This is all on top of the constant airplanes overhead, sirens, squealing tires, blaring horns and motorcycle engines, dozens of neighborhood dogs barking at once, helicopters overhead flying so low it rattles the windows, punk teenagers hooting and hollering up and down the street at 2am, Sanford & Son on one side of our building sorting cans and bottles through the day and night, the business on the other side constructing film sets in the parking lot and renting the space out for parties at night, and Farsi dude five houses up playing his music so loud that I couldn't hear my tv (this doesn't count the occasional transformer blowing, random gunshots or the seasonal illegal fireworks displays).

I was so depressed. The tiny little home I'd loved for so long was becoming a horrible, miserable prison.  I didn't understand why, when I had purposely been giving thanks in advance to God every day for bringing me the PERFECT person during the rental process, that He would send me these train wrecks. I was also fighting tooth and nail every day to keep Matt's yard alive and failing pretty miserably at it because I don't know what I'm doing and he didn't exactly leave instructions. My attitude was suffering and my business was suffering as well. One look at where I lived and people would think, "No. She must not be a very good voice coach if she lives like this. Next." And I didn't blame them.

But one day in late August one of my former students came by to see me for a "tune up." I was telling him about the situation next door and how crazy it was making me and how I didn't understand why God was doing this to me. He, being a Wiccan, said in his lilting Southern tenor accent, "You know of course that I don't believe in your God, but if I did it seems to me that He sent you exactly who you needed to live next door as a great big sign for you to get the f*** out. You're better than this hot mess. It's time to go."

Me: 

If a two by four hit me in the sternum it couldn't have knocked more breath out of me. Because of course, he was absolutely right and I'm a MORON not to have seen it. When Darci gets comfortable in her darkness and misery she starts thinking there's no way out - at least not immediately - and she wallows. I had already been looking around for something new to see what was out there and start saving up, feeling pretty bleak about it, but after that conversation with my student, it was on like Donkey Kong. It was so obvious God wanted me out that I knew a place was out there that I was supposed to be in.

The third place I looked at I fell in love with. 

The rent was also almost twice what I was currently paying. For some reason I filled out an application anyway. Doh!

OF COURSE this was impossible! What was I thinking??? Oh well, I knew there was no way they'd approve me anyway. I had been scraping to pay bills for so long that surely my credit was destroyed for the second time in my life (the first time from just being a stupid kid) and they'd give me a "thanks but no thanks." But at least it would be good to know how bad it was and what I had to deal with as I was saving up for something else going forward. 

On my way home from seeing the place the office called and told me my credit was great and I was approved. Double DOH! Now they needed my proof of income and a recommendation from my current landlord.

A-HA! Now I had 'em! They'd see how little money I made, nowhere NEAR "three times the monthly rent" required by most places for move in. I pulled my bank statements (because I'm self-employed and don't have pay stubs - and if I don't get to see Mitt Romney's tax returns, then NO ONE gets to see mine) and emailed them over, fully expecting that I had them cornered into denying me.

It was a Friday. That evening an old friend from college called (one of my many dear Christian friends, there are still some good ones in the world!)...and proceeded to smack me down with wisdom and love like only a person you've known for over twenty years can do. Why don't you think you deserve good things? No one works harder than you and is more unsuccessful at it. Aren't you tired of doing it all yourself? When are you gonna give God some of that burden? His Word says to ask and you shall receive and that He wants to give you the desires of your heart; why don't you hold Him accountable to it? He said it, it has to be true, right? When you need more you get more and you haven't needed more in a long time. It's time to take a leap of faith. I would bet money that if you walk off this cliff you won't just fly, but you'll soar. You deserve it. You deserve it. You deserve it.

Everything he said was true. I have always had such a hard time believing I deserved anything good. See, I was raised in a glass-half-empty environment. Strict, uber-religious, judgmental and fetid with guilt and fear. I never felt like anything I did was enough and much of that was from the "original sin" dogma fed to me by my churches. Guilty upon birth. Worthless sinner. You are a worm and unworthy of love from the God that created you. Oh...AND you're fat, so you'll get crap from society, also. Fat, guilty, sinful worms deserve nothing but to slide along the earth on their bellies. They certainly don't deserve nice apartments, reliable cars, loving (or even attractive) significant others, money in the bank, friends who give a crap or a career they enjoy. Fuggedaboudit. On top of that, I was constantly being told, "well...IF it's God will for you to do/have that..." It was never impressed upon me that God wanted me to be happy, that He wanted my dreams to be fulfilled. Never once. So I have lived my life believing that everything I wanted for myself was in direct contradiction to anything God might want for me and therefore I perceived every day to be a knock-down-drag-out fight between me and The Omnipotent.

 

No friggin' wonder I'm exhausted.

So when I hung up the phone with my dear friend, I had it out with God. I shook my fist at the sky. I asked Him, "Is that the best you can do, Big Guy? Bring it on! You keep trying to destroy me, but I'm still here!" *cue maniacal laughter a la Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump* And after I had finished with the rending of sackcloth and the weeping and gnashing of teeth, I read a few pieces of scripture that my friend had given to me, one of which really hit home:

Isaiah 43:18-19

18 “Forget the former things;
         do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
         Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
     I am making a way in the desert
         and streams in the wasteland."

Yeah, so this is basically God going..."Uh hello? I've been trying to get you to move forward for ages. I've got this path for you here with a big ole blinking red arrow pointing to it, if you'll just get on it."

I went to my computer after that and my friend had sent me the money for the move in deposit. And it was not a small amount of money. And he wouldn't let me be prideful and not accept it. Kinda like that joke where there's a flood and the guy's on the roof of his house and a boat comes by to save him and he says, "No thanks, God will save me." Then comes a helicopter and a rescue team, etc. and he keeps saying no thanks cuz God will save him. Dude ends up drowning and at the pearly gates he says, "Why didn't you save me, God?" And God's like, "I sent you a boat, a rescue team, a helicopter, blah blah blah..."

Yeah. Like that guy.

The next day, Saturday, the rental office called and said, "Everything looks great, we have a call in to your landlord and as soon as he gets back to us we can start the paperwork."

WHAT??? ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR MINDS??? YOU SEE I CAN'T AFFORD THIS!!! IT'S RIGHT THERE ON PAPER!!! WHAT KIND OF SHENANIGANS ARE YOU PULLING ON ME???

Answer: We want good people to live here and I can tell you're a good person and a spiritual person, so you know if it's meant to be it will happen. Because of the way you get paid we can let you do part of your rent at the first of the month and part on the 15th. We will work with you as long as you keep the lines of communication open with us.

Shut. the. front. door. This is Los Angeles. This is unheard of.  

When my landlord returned their call on Monday, he told them I'd been a great tenant and he was going to try to bribe me to stay.

That week I took a part time job as a nanny/house manager on a referral from my amazeballs friend I sing backup for, Debby Holiday (buy her music on iTunes). I now work for her best friend and her very sweet kids as supplemental income.  My mom graciously helped with the remainder of the first month's rent I needed and I officially moved in, with the help of many dear friends (including Porn-Watchin' Grampa Clampett, who is actually a very sweet man, even if he is etiquette-challenged) on October 7th. Since then I've picked up a couple new students plus a couple old ones came back. I am about to start some part time transcription work with a company my friend Marie Pettit Gregson works for, which I will be able to do at home. So at least if I have to work my tail off to keep this place, I will be able to do at least 2/3 of it in my home itself. 

I've made ends nearly meet so far (still robbing Peter to pay Paul on the other bills at the moment) and my goal is that my March rent check (and all thereafter) will be paid IN FULL on the first and ALL other bills will be caught up. 

Lucky 2013. It's happening.

The new Chez Monet and 

Darci Monet Vocal Style Studio

Also in 2012 I was able to celebrate with my besties Marie (aforementioned) and her new husband Chris at their beautiful wedding in Houston, TX! What a beautiful trip that was - so many of our L.A. circle of peeps made the flight out, including leetle seester Mandi from Chicago, plus I got to spend some time with my awesomesauce Aunt Rosemary and cousin Daphne and family as well as my dear friend from college, the uber-talented super-mom Gianna (Gigi) Welling (buy her music on iTunes). It was a wonderful time celebrating our friends' love, catching up with family and friends and making new ones...in a city I've never been to that happens to look a lot like a great big North Hollywood. Go figure.

Earlier in the summer I was fortunate enough to mend a bit of a broken road with a long time friend as well and I thought that would never happen, because honestly, I was way too hurt for a very long time. To be honest, I still struggle with it, but it's getting easier and easier to let a little more go and a little more and a little more. Sometimes wounds just need some time, as the adage goes. And people need to be allowed to be who they are, whether they fit in your box of how you perceive a person should behave or not. And sometimes you need to redefine how you think a person should behave. Just sayin'. Our relationship will probably never again be what it once was, but that is okay too, because if there's anything I have learned in 2012 it's that moving forward and moving on isn't something to fear or avoid and stagnation does nothing but rot the soul and breed further bitterness. Blech! 

As for music, the year always starts off with the NAMM Show in Anaheim with Debby Holiday et al, which is always a fun, loud, exhausting blast, and 2012 was no different. Come the spring I had a delightful time performing with the amazing Gilmore Rizzo, Pat Whiteman, Barbara Shane and Bryan Miller at (formerly) Peter Mac's at The French Market in "Chew On This," a super fun show celebrating all those guilty pleasure bubble gum tunes from the 50's to the 80's. If you missed it...well, our hope is that we will eventually resurrect it in a new theater space at some point. *fingers crossed* I did a few studio sessions - one for Disney (an episode of Phineas and Ferb Europe) and some I hope you never hear (such is the life of the demo singer - they can't ALL be hits!  ). I did a couple performances with Musical Theatre of Los Angeles and am now knee deep in their social networking committee and fundraising team. The year ended with a crazy busy but lovely Christmas season putting together "Not Your Mama's Christmas" (a fun review show of everyone's favorite - and probably some least favorite! - Christmas songs with a cast of around 18, directed by my good friend Paul Marich) and a three hour breakneck night of rockin' n' rollin' at the Hard Rock in Hollywood with Debby Holiday and Jeff Fedak, where I got to perform a few of my originals (which never happens...2013 resolution?).

Unfortunately I got sick as a dog while doing Hard Rock and Not Your Mama's and have now lost my voice completely, but I still had a nice, lazy Christmas in San Diego with my sissy Jodianne and I felt well enough to spend New Year's Eve with a very small group of "Valley friends" around a bonfire, sipping root beer (no booze for me when I'm on the meds!), munching on nutrionless-but-oh-so-yummy food, hugging my precious shmoopies (my twin 6 year old nieces, the loves of my life, as if you don't know), listening to everyone else's conversations and soaking up some loving energy to carry us all into the new year.

Aloysius (al-oh-ish-us) The Christmas Shrub

So here it is, January 2nd and I sit at my desk, with Aloysius The Christmas Shrub (the first real tree I've had in about 12 years) still alive and sparkling, a fire in the fireplace, a cup of apple cinnamon tea with delicious home grown Georgia honey (thanks Louisa!), my cat DangerPickleKitty making THE most disgusting noises as he bathes himself...and I am happy as a clam and excited for the new year for the first time since...well possibly since I moved here in 2001! Onward and upward!

Here's to a year full of countless miracles, blessings and adventures. BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. AND SO DO YOU.

This post is dedicated to my friends 
Anne Mitchell Starr and Brian Putnam.

You have reminded me that every day is a miracle 

and I will honor your lives by fully living mine.

"Goodnight sweet prince and princess, 
and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." 

Election Eve 2012

Well...as the title of this blog suggests, it is the day before the presidential elections of 2012. And I have to say that as an independent who practically rips out her hair every four years because there is NEVER a candidate for me (or half the American people, according to my theory that no one is really as extremist as either candidate ever is), I am ready for this to be over. However, this is the first election in the last three at least in which my choice has never been easier.

I lean conservative on some issues and liberal on others. Anyone who knows me or follows me on Twitter or Facebook is very aware of my extremely liberal stance on gay rights (as in "they damn well ought to have them -- ALL of them"). On the other hand, I do believe life begins at conception, making abortion murder, and am therefore in favor of stricter policies on it (though not in favor of completely overturning Roe vs. Wade, particularly in instances of rape and incest, "legitimate" or otherwise). As a woman, I don't particularly care for a bunch of overpaid old white guys deciding when I can or cannot start my family. Economically, the SPENDSPENDSPEND mentality of the Dems always makes me nervous, probably because I've always been a saver myself. On the other hand, I don't believe for one minute that giving selfish douchebags ginormous tax breaks is the solution to anything but allowing them to maintain said selfish douchebaggery. 

In short...I'm generally for finding middle ground wherever and whenever possible. In my opinion, compromise MUST be met and EVERYONE will have to give a little bit on their personal stance to make things work overall. I don't know about you, but this seems perfectly logical to me.

I believe that if Obama didn't start out willing to do such, he was forced to by an obstinate Republican congress who cock-blocked him at every single turn (sorry Mom). The best part is they actually went on record admitting that this was the plan from the minute he was inaugurated. The Repubs actually had a MEETING at a fancy overpriced steakhouse to discuss it! They didn't have a plan to work together with their boss to fix the giant mess THEIR GUY created and get the American people back on their feet, oh no...their plan was to make sure he failed. And now? They use it against him in this election.

Strike one, says Independant Voter Girl. I have no tolerance for a party that is more interested in staying in power over protecting the well being of the people who elected them.

Now, understanding that people vote mostly in regard to the issues that effect them most personally, I get that perhaps Farmer John in Eagle Butte, SD (population 619) doesn't give a flying banana about gay rights. Chances are he's never known a gay person in his life (and if he did, he or she probably moved away the minute following high school graduation). His wife, having had her kids already and gone through menopause, perhaps doesn't much care about what happens to Planned Parenthood. As farmers, they work the earth and respect it and take care of it for a living, plus it's freakin' cold there in the winter, so global warming is an afterthought. These things are just not on their radar. 

But the economy certainly is. The worry that they can't pay their mortgage or they may lose their retirement is a very real issue for them. That said, I could find the logic in voting for a guy with a clear plan that could fix the economy over voting regarding social issues. 

Thing is campers, The Right Wing's guy doesn't have one. His "Five Point Plan" actually sounds a whole lot like what Democrats would like to see happen, if you read the generic explanation on his website. Great Mitt, five obvious things we need to do...so how are you gonna accomplish them? What? You don't know? Oh wait...with "Trickle Down Economics"? Hold on, now...all these bipartisan economic experts are telling you that your math doesn't work. But you're gonna barrel on through anyway, disrespecting 47% of the country by claiming they don't pay taxes and expect handouts and you can't be bothered to be their president...? You just wanna be the President of the United Rich Guys?

Strike two, says Independent Voter Girl. I don't understand the logic in voting on economic issues over the social issues when there is no clear plan in place in regard to those economic issues by the guy claiming he can fix it. And furthermore...I do happen to think that human beings are ENTITLED to food, shelter, clothing and healthcare in the richest, most powerful country in the world. I find it ironic that the party that doesn't want evolution being taught in our schools maintains a "survival of the fittest" mentality when it comes our poor. Get in The Lifeboat, folks. Unless you're pushed overboard...

Romney has no idea who the hell he is politically. The Mitt Romney running for president isn't even remotely the same guy who governed Massachusetts. If he was, I might actually vote for that guy! He came up with Romneycare (falsely labeled Obamacare currently). Under his governorship gays in Massachusetts became allowed to marry. If he wasn't personally a moderate, he at least knew enough not to allow his personal feelings to override the wishes of the American people. At the time.

That is NOT the guy running for office right now. It tells me that he was either saying whatever he needed to say to get himself elected then, or else he's doing so now. I tend to lean toward now because YouTube is full of video footage where he's flip-flopping like a dying fish through the debates and his campaign trail. One day he says he's cutting taxes on the wealthy, the next day he says he's not. One day he says we need to get rid of FEMA, but the minute a natural disaster strikes, he says he never said it. He preaches making China play fair, yet he continues to invest and maintain ownership in companies that shut down American businesses and ship their jobs overseas. Who are you, Mitt?

Strike three, says Independent Voter Girl. Nothing that comes out of Mitt's mouth is to be believed. Not one damn thing. People like to say the same about Obama -- I say that no one running for president has any idea what campaign promises they actually can keep until they see what's on their desk. I will maintain that outlook if Romney wins. However, the difference for me at this point is that Obama's platform as a senator was the same as his platform as president. Romney's platform...uh...wait...what is his platform again? Oh, yeah. President of the United Rich Guys. 

It comes down to this for me in this election. Regardless of our struggling economy, we are indeed STILL the richest country in the world. We're scrappers and we're resilient and the economy will right itself eventually. I think the majority of Americans are giving, sharing people who are willing to hunker down and sacrifice for the greater good of everyone. I don't think the selfish "I've got mine so screw you" mentality of the 1% will win the day because it is ugly, hateful and dishonest and I believe that Love and Truth will always win. Honestly I think the only way our economy couldn't bounce back eventually is if Al Qaeda took us over and well...Obama got their leader so...there's that. Okay, maybe if aliens took over. We'd all be screwed then. But that's not an election issue this time around, so I digress...

I am voting in regard to the social issues. I believe our economy thrives when people are allowed to live their lives fully, wholly, safely and without fear. I believe our country will be blessed financially again when we accept every person for who he or she is without judgement and allow each individual to make his/her own decisions and control his/her own destinies. When people are imprisoned socially, all the money in the world doesn't make a shred of difference. 

In short, I cannot live selfishly anymore. I cannot hoard any longer. I cannot desperately cling to that which is material and worthless at the end of life's journey anyway. You can't take it with you, as they say. So I don't believe my bank account is more important than another human being's right to life, liberty or pursuit of happiness. I will store my treasures in Heaven instead. Or rack up my Karma points. Or whatever your personal life philosophy or religion subscribes to (or doesn't). 

I'm sticking with the guy who has actually lived the American Dream as opposed to the guy who had it handed to him on a silver platter.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, 
or denies your right to grow." 

~Alice Walker

Obama/Biden 2012

Ponderings

As I sit and type this I'm not sure if I'm going to actually publish it. I just know I need to get out of my head and writing helps me do that. I feel like I'm at a crossroads and need to make some kind of decision. And soon, because I'm not getting any younger.  

We're in the middle of a long, miserable heat wave in Southern California. It's 98 degrees in North Hollywood where I live, unusually humid (still nothing compared to Nashville) and my tiny little apartment has no a/c (I have a bedroom window unit, but it's so hot that it keeps blowing the breaker whenever I run it, so I've been sleeping in the heat, too -- and when I say sleeping, I mean not sleeping at all). I have two fans going full blast, beating the hot air upon me. I take three showers a day. I have plenty of food in my fridge, but it all requires heating up the stove or oven, which is simply unthinkable in this weather. My skin looks amazing, my voice feels great, but the rest of me stinks like a construction worker even though I make great efforts to remain as still as possible in the hopes of not breaking a sweat (epic fail). I find myself highly tempted to scream, "STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" at least five times a day.

This week I found out that a large vocal coaching job on a feature film I'd been hired for is not going to happen after all. I'd been very much looking forward to it, not only because it would've looked great on my resume, but because I'd like to do more coaching of that variety in general. I love my students and I generally enjoy teaching one-on-one, but I think where I'd really soar is in freelance coaching jobs on films, television, special events, etc. But also, being able to say you were the voice coach on a feature film helps to get more private students too, and a girl's gotta make a living. I needed this stepping stone.

Just got off the phone with my Dad...who promptly laid into me about moving out of L.A. It was an hour of the following:

Dad: "If you're not happy there, why do you stay?" (keep in mind he hates L.A. -- won't even come visit)

Me: "Dad, I've been unhappy in every city I've ever lived in. It's not L.A., it's ME."

Dad (bless 'im): "Noooooo honey, it's not yooooouuuuuu..."

Me: "Yes it is. Because I've yet to be successful making a living at the ONE thing I'm best at in any place I've lived."

Dad: "Well ya just gotta find out what you really wanna do and go where you can do it."

Me: "Dad. I've been doing that for twenty years. I've only ever wanted to be a studio singer. I've gone where I need to go to give myself the best possible chance at doing that. And it just doesn't work. Ever. I'm at the point where I need to decide to pack it in entirely soon."

Silence. Then, "Well babes, I really don't know what to say."

And that's the point...there isn't anything he can say. 

And my conversations with Mom are the same. Why are you still there? Don't you wanna come home? At least go back to Nashville? What about Chicago with your sister? Why don't ALL of you move there, at least you'll be together...

*sigh*

I'm weary. And I don't know what to do. I keep working on my outlook, trying to be grateful for everything I do have (I'm not living in a van down by the river yet, after all) and changing my thinking to glass-half-full instead of half-empty, but I'm not getting that life-changing "aha moment" I keep waiting for that others seem to get. And yes, I know it's a gradual process, and as much as this blog doesn't sound like it at the moment, my outlook has improved exponentially overall. But my career continues not to. And I've sacrificed a lot to have it -- no husband, no kids, separated from my family for years, uprooting my life and moving thousands of miles away more than once, singing for free way more than anyone ever should. I really think I could be content living anywhere if I was just doing what I love to do...and doing enough of it that I'm not in danger of my electric being cut off in the middle of a heat wave. I don't need to be rich. I don't need fancy digs. I don't need a flashy car. I couldn't care less about the latest fashions. Just comfortable would be great. Enough to pay the bills and have an occasional evening out with friends. A clean place to live in a quiet neighborhood with a/c and maybe a dishwasher. Maybe a humble get-away once a year, but I won't push my luck. I'm a simple girl and I just want simple things. 

I just want to sing and I want it to be my job. That's all.

Oh, For The Love Of Chikin, Already!

So, if you haven't heard by now of the major clusterfuggle that is "Chick-fil-A v. The Gays" then you simply must be living under a rock. But if you haven't, here's the Reader's Digest Version, complete with all the bipartisanship I can muster:

1) Chick-fil-A is a growing fast food chain that makes super yummy chicken sammiches (ooops, sorry I'm being biased already!).

2) Chick-fil-A is a family-owned company -- specifically, the Cathy family.

3) Chick-fil-A's business model is based in Biblical tenets (thus, they are closed on Sundays to honor their Sabbath, among other things).

4) Chick-fil-A has always donated money to political campaigns and organizations that support their business model, some of which are not gay-friendly.

5) Some folks found this out rather recently and a rumbling began in the gay community. A boycott was called.

6) Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy admits he does not support the gay lifestyle or marriage equality in an interview with the Baptist Press.

7) The gays hear about it and all hell breaks loose.

8) The Jim Henson Company publicly severs business dealings with Chick-fil-A due to their stance on marriage equality.

(This pic flying around Facebook made me laugh - c'mon, it's funny!)

9) Not only does all hell break loose again, but purgatory, heaven and whatever plane ghosts live on all join in. It's absolute mayhem.

10) Chick-fil-A stops putting Muppet toys in their kids meals, citing the toys as dangerous. Many think the company's lying in an attempt to save face. Chick-fil-A denies the allegation.

11) Chick-fil-A is accused of creating a fake Facebook account posing as a teenage girl to defend against the thousands of unfriendly posts made by the company's haters. A couple posters call "the girl" out as a fake, post a stock photo found online used on "her" profile and by the next day the account has been deactivated. Chick-fil-A claims they did not create the fake account and that they never would do such a thing.

There. You're all caught up.

Now, I've been noticing two particular arguments consistently brought up by Chick-fil-A's supporters:

1) Chick-fil-A isn't discriminating against anyone. They hire LGBT people and they serve LGBT people.

2)  Tolerance goes both ways.

If you're reading this blog you probably already know my feelings on marriage equality (I'm for it) and gay people in general (I don't think it's a sin to be gay and yes, I think they're born that way). Here is the response I'd like to make to the above two points and I hope supporters of Chick-fil-A will read it with open minds and hearts. I know why you feel the way you do, because I used to feel exactly the same way once upon a time, for all the exact same reasons you do. So I hope you will give yourself the opportunity to look at the other side of the coin as vividly as you possibly can.

1) I am actually a fan of Chick-fil-A's business model in general. I think more businesses would do well to follow much of its example -- closing one day a week and holidays (Jewish businesses still do it and no one complains), operating debt-free, donating to organizations that help the community flourish, supporting families being together and staying together. I'd even be okay if Chick-fil-A ran commercials that stated flat out, "We're a Christian company, built upon Christian beliefs. Eat more chikin." It's their right to do all of that.

The problem is in where they put their money. It's not like they're "The Cathy Family Christian Bookstore." If that were the case, wouldn't you then certainly expect them to put their money in very specific, most likely  religiously-oriented places? Why yes, you would, as is their right (and if you didn't expect it and go cause a stink about it, well then you're just a moron). But when Dan Cathy himself has said, "There is no such thing as a Christian business," and he's selling non-religious chicken sandwiches across the nation for the love of Pete, then why take the profits and financially support organizations with such controversial agendas? Why not put that money toward things that better the community for EVERYONE, regardless of religion, sex, sexual orientation, race or creed? No doubt they donate to many organizations like this, but honestly...if a certain minority's money is green enough for you to take as payment, then you should probably not be turning around and giving it to organizations that are trying to legislate said minority into second class citizenship. THAT is not only blatantly biting the hand that feeds you, but it IS discrimination, no matter how you look at it. If Chick-fil-A were hiring and serving black people and then turning around and donating profits to the KKK...see? Chick-fil-A is financially supporting continued discrimination, period.

Be Switzerland and none of this would be happening...just sayin'.

(For the record, it's my feeling, as a believer in the separation of church and state, that NO business or corporation whatsoever should be allowed to donate money to ANY political campaign or religious-based organization...things would be A LOT different in this country on both sides of the fence, wouldn't it? But we all know that isn't going to happen. Like...ever. Unless the people overthrow the government and start over from scratch. So yeah...like...never ever.)

2) Tolerance absolutely does go both ways. I tolerate Chick-fil-A supporters' religious opinions, even though I disagree. I understand why they feel the way they do. Jesus works for them and they want everyone to experience that and they think if only everyone could, this world would be a better place. I think 95% of people think the way they do out of genuine concern for what they perceive to be the greater good, whether I agree with it or not. And so I tolerate, readily, everyone's religious beliefs and I know that many supporting the boycott do as well.

However...no one has to tolerate a corporation's business practices, particularly when those practices are unethical in that person's opinion. I do not have to tolerate Chick-fil-A taking my hard-earned money and giving it to a cause I am vehemently against. Just like I do not have to tolerate the banks taking a government bail out and sending its CEOs on vacation with it. Catholics didn't tolerate "The Last Temptation of Christ" when it came out back in the 80's. Those One Million Moms (which are really only a few hundred thousand) don't feel they have to tolerate...well...just about anything, really. Here in the U.S., we get to vote not just at the polls but with our wallets, too. This is an example of true capitalism at work.

In addition, no one should tolerate a person's basic rights being threatened because someone else thinks they shouldn't be able to have them. I think some people do not deserve to be parents. This does not mean that passing a law that decides which people can reproduce and which cannot is remotely ethical. Even if I believe with my whole heart that it would benefit the greater good for some people to be forced to have a little snip-snip or a little knot tied - and I very well might be right - infringing upon someone's right to live his or her own life as he/she sees fit is never the right thing to do. Otherwise, you might find someone infringing upon yours one day.

Gay people are not aliens from another planet put here to destroy the earth as we know it. They are human beings like any other who just want to be allowed to live and love in peace. They are tax-paying members of our society who have families that deserve to be protected under the law just as much as Steve and Suzie SuperChristian do...or Mike and Mary Muslim...or Jerry and Joanna Jew...or Wayne and Wynona Wicca...or Neil and Nancy NewAge...or Burt and Betty Buddhist...

...or the Cathys.