Lucky 2013

Well...I don't think I'm the only one who can say that 2012 was the fastest year of my life. It seems just yesterday I was blogging about welcoming it because 2011 was such a stink pile of death and loss. I am very pleased to say that 2012 may not have started out on the most positive of notes, but it has ended with joyfulness and hope for what 2013 will bring. I am very excited for Lucky 2013! But please allow me to share how I got here...because you know there's a crazy messcapade of a story...

Last year started out with new neighbors, who moved into the apartment previously occupied by my friend Matt (may he R.I.P). An older gentleman, seemed nice enough, said he was gone to work from 7am till about 10pm. No kids, just him and his cat. Perfect! I take his application, everything moves along, a few weeks later he moves in. And his deadbeat of a daughter. And her two young daughters (10 and 2, respectively). And his three cats. Into a tiny 400 square foot one bedroom apartment. Naturally, utter chaos ensues. Screaming toddler. Screaming, verbally abusive mother. Sketchy looking people I don't know on the property at all hours of the day and night. Grandpa's hard of hearing and blasts his porn through the window at decibel eleven so the people across the damned street can tell what he's watching. This is all on top of the constant airplanes overhead, sirens, squealing tires, blaring horns and motorcycle engines, dozens of neighborhood dogs barking at once, helicopters overhead flying so low it rattles the windows, punk teenagers hooting and hollering up and down the street at 2am, Sanford & Son on one side of our building sorting cans and bottles through the day and night, the business on the other side constructing film sets in the parking lot and renting the space out for parties at night, and Farsi dude five houses up playing his music so loud that I couldn't hear my tv (this doesn't count the occasional transformer blowing, random gunshots or the seasonal illegal fireworks displays).

I was so depressed. The tiny little home I'd loved for so long was becoming a horrible, miserable prison.  I didn't understand why, when I had purposely been giving thanks in advance to God every day for bringing me the PERFECT person during the rental process, that He would send me these train wrecks. I was also fighting tooth and nail every day to keep Matt's yard alive and failing pretty miserably at it because I don't know what I'm doing and he didn't exactly leave instructions. My attitude was suffering and my business was suffering as well. One look at where I lived and people would think, "No. She must not be a very good voice coach if she lives like this. Next." And I didn't blame them.

But one day in late August one of my former students came by to see me for a "tune up." I was telling him about the situation next door and how crazy it was making me and how I didn't understand why God was doing this to me. He, being a Wiccan, said in his lilting Southern tenor accent, "You know of course that I don't believe in your God, but if I did it seems to me that He sent you exactly who you needed to live next door as a great big sign for you to get the f*** out. You're better than this hot mess. It's time to go."

Me: 

If a two by four hit me in the sternum it couldn't have knocked more breath out of me. Because of course, he was absolutely right and I'm a MORON not to have seen it. When Darci gets comfortable in her darkness and misery she starts thinking there's no way out - at least not immediately - and she wallows. I had already been looking around for something new to see what was out there and start saving up, feeling pretty bleak about it, but after that conversation with my student, it was on like Donkey Kong. It was so obvious God wanted me out that I knew a place was out there that I was supposed to be in.

The third place I looked at I fell in love with. 

The rent was also almost twice what I was currently paying. For some reason I filled out an application anyway. Doh!

OF COURSE this was impossible! What was I thinking??? Oh well, I knew there was no way they'd approve me anyway. I had been scraping to pay bills for so long that surely my credit was destroyed for the second time in my life (the first time from just being a stupid kid) and they'd give me a "thanks but no thanks." But at least it would be good to know how bad it was and what I had to deal with as I was saving up for something else going forward. 

On my way home from seeing the place the office called and told me my credit was great and I was approved. Double DOH! Now they needed my proof of income and a recommendation from my current landlord.

A-HA! Now I had 'em! They'd see how little money I made, nowhere NEAR "three times the monthly rent" required by most places for move in. I pulled my bank statements (because I'm self-employed and don't have pay stubs - and if I don't get to see Mitt Romney's tax returns, then NO ONE gets to see mine) and emailed them over, fully expecting that I had them cornered into denying me.

It was a Friday. That evening an old friend from college called (one of my many dear Christian friends, there are still some good ones in the world!)...and proceeded to smack me down with wisdom and love like only a person you've known for over twenty years can do. Why don't you think you deserve good things? No one works harder than you and is more unsuccessful at it. Aren't you tired of doing it all yourself? When are you gonna give God some of that burden? His Word says to ask and you shall receive and that He wants to give you the desires of your heart; why don't you hold Him accountable to it? He said it, it has to be true, right? When you need more you get more and you haven't needed more in a long time. It's time to take a leap of faith. I would bet money that if you walk off this cliff you won't just fly, but you'll soar. You deserve it. You deserve it. You deserve it.

Everything he said was true. I have always had such a hard time believing I deserved anything good. See, I was raised in a glass-half-empty environment. Strict, uber-religious, judgmental and fetid with guilt and fear. I never felt like anything I did was enough and much of that was from the "original sin" dogma fed to me by my churches. Guilty upon birth. Worthless sinner. You are a worm and unworthy of love from the God that created you. Oh...AND you're fat, so you'll get crap from society, also. Fat, guilty, sinful worms deserve nothing but to slide along the earth on their bellies. They certainly don't deserve nice apartments, reliable cars, loving (or even attractive) significant others, money in the bank, friends who give a crap or a career they enjoy. Fuggedaboudit. On top of that, I was constantly being told, "well...IF it's God will for you to do/have that..." It was never impressed upon me that God wanted me to be happy, that He wanted my dreams to be fulfilled. Never once. So I have lived my life believing that everything I wanted for myself was in direct contradiction to anything God might want for me and therefore I perceived every day to be a knock-down-drag-out fight between me and The Omnipotent.

 

No friggin' wonder I'm exhausted.

So when I hung up the phone with my dear friend, I had it out with God. I shook my fist at the sky. I asked Him, "Is that the best you can do, Big Guy? Bring it on! You keep trying to destroy me, but I'm still here!" *cue maniacal laughter a la Lieutenant Dan in Forest Gump* And after I had finished with the rending of sackcloth and the weeping and gnashing of teeth, I read a few pieces of scripture that my friend had given to me, one of which really hit home:

Isaiah 43:18-19

18 “Forget the former things;
         do not dwell on the past.
19 See, I am doing a new thing!
         Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
     I am making a way in the desert
         and streams in the wasteland."

Yeah, so this is basically God going..."Uh hello? I've been trying to get you to move forward for ages. I've got this path for you here with a big ole blinking red arrow pointing to it, if you'll just get on it."

I went to my computer after that and my friend had sent me the money for the move in deposit. And it was not a small amount of money. And he wouldn't let me be prideful and not accept it. Kinda like that joke where there's a flood and the guy's on the roof of his house and a boat comes by to save him and he says, "No thanks, God will save me." Then comes a helicopter and a rescue team, etc. and he keeps saying no thanks cuz God will save him. Dude ends up drowning and at the pearly gates he says, "Why didn't you save me, God?" And God's like, "I sent you a boat, a rescue team, a helicopter, blah blah blah..."

Yeah. Like that guy.

The next day, Saturday, the rental office called and said, "Everything looks great, we have a call in to your landlord and as soon as he gets back to us we can start the paperwork."

WHAT??? ARE YOU PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR MINDS??? YOU SEE I CAN'T AFFORD THIS!!! IT'S RIGHT THERE ON PAPER!!! WHAT KIND OF SHENANIGANS ARE YOU PULLING ON ME???

Answer: We want good people to live here and I can tell you're a good person and a spiritual person, so you know if it's meant to be it will happen. Because of the way you get paid we can let you do part of your rent at the first of the month and part on the 15th. We will work with you as long as you keep the lines of communication open with us.

Shut. the. front. door. This is Los Angeles. This is unheard of.  

When my landlord returned their call on Monday, he told them I'd been a great tenant and he was going to try to bribe me to stay.

That week I took a part time job as a nanny/house manager on a referral from my amazeballs friend I sing backup for, Debby Holiday (buy her music on iTunes). I now work for her best friend and her very sweet kids as supplemental income.  My mom graciously helped with the remainder of the first month's rent I needed and I officially moved in, with the help of many dear friends (including Porn-Watchin' Grampa Clampett, who is actually a very sweet man, even if he is etiquette-challenged) on October 7th. Since then I've picked up a couple new students plus a couple old ones came back. I am about to start some part time transcription work with a company my friend Marie Pettit Gregson works for, which I will be able to do at home. So at least if I have to work my tail off to keep this place, I will be able to do at least 2/3 of it in my home itself. 

I've made ends nearly meet so far (still robbing Peter to pay Paul on the other bills at the moment) and my goal is that my March rent check (and all thereafter) will be paid IN FULL on the first and ALL other bills will be caught up. 

Lucky 2013. It's happening.

The new Chez Monet and 

Darci Monet Vocal Style Studio

Also in 2012 I was able to celebrate with my besties Marie (aforementioned) and her new husband Chris at their beautiful wedding in Houston, TX! What a beautiful trip that was - so many of our L.A. circle of peeps made the flight out, including leetle seester Mandi from Chicago, plus I got to spend some time with my awesomesauce Aunt Rosemary and cousin Daphne and family as well as my dear friend from college, the uber-talented super-mom Gianna (Gigi) Welling (buy her music on iTunes). It was a wonderful time celebrating our friends' love, catching up with family and friends and making new ones...in a city I've never been to that happens to look a lot like a great big North Hollywood. Go figure.

Earlier in the summer I was fortunate enough to mend a bit of a broken road with a long time friend as well and I thought that would never happen, because honestly, I was way too hurt for a very long time. To be honest, I still struggle with it, but it's getting easier and easier to let a little more go and a little more and a little more. Sometimes wounds just need some time, as the adage goes. And people need to be allowed to be who they are, whether they fit in your box of how you perceive a person should behave or not. And sometimes you need to redefine how you think a person should behave. Just sayin'. Our relationship will probably never again be what it once was, but that is okay too, because if there's anything I have learned in 2012 it's that moving forward and moving on isn't something to fear or avoid and stagnation does nothing but rot the soul and breed further bitterness. Blech! 

As for music, the year always starts off with the NAMM Show in Anaheim with Debby Holiday et al, which is always a fun, loud, exhausting blast, and 2012 was no different. Come the spring I had a delightful time performing with the amazing Gilmore Rizzo, Pat Whiteman, Barbara Shane and Bryan Miller at (formerly) Peter Mac's at The French Market in "Chew On This," a super fun show celebrating all those guilty pleasure bubble gum tunes from the 50's to the 80's. If you missed it...well, our hope is that we will eventually resurrect it in a new theater space at some point. *fingers crossed* I did a few studio sessions - one for Disney (an episode of Phineas and Ferb Europe) and some I hope you never hear (such is the life of the demo singer - they can't ALL be hits!  ). I did a couple performances with Musical Theatre of Los Angeles and am now knee deep in their social networking committee and fundraising team. The year ended with a crazy busy but lovely Christmas season putting together "Not Your Mama's Christmas" (a fun review show of everyone's favorite - and probably some least favorite! - Christmas songs with a cast of around 18, directed by my good friend Paul Marich) and a three hour breakneck night of rockin' n' rollin' at the Hard Rock in Hollywood with Debby Holiday and Jeff Fedak, where I got to perform a few of my originals (which never happens...2013 resolution?).

Unfortunately I got sick as a dog while doing Hard Rock and Not Your Mama's and have now lost my voice completely, but I still had a nice, lazy Christmas in San Diego with my sissy Jodianne and I felt well enough to spend New Year's Eve with a very small group of "Valley friends" around a bonfire, sipping root beer (no booze for me when I'm on the meds!), munching on nutrionless-but-oh-so-yummy food, hugging my precious shmoopies (my twin 6 year old nieces, the loves of my life, as if you don't know), listening to everyone else's conversations and soaking up some loving energy to carry us all into the new year.

Aloysius (al-oh-ish-us) The Christmas Shrub

So here it is, January 2nd and I sit at my desk, with Aloysius The Christmas Shrub (the first real tree I've had in about 12 years) still alive and sparkling, a fire in the fireplace, a cup of apple cinnamon tea with delicious home grown Georgia honey (thanks Louisa!), my cat DangerPickleKitty making THE most disgusting noises as he bathes himself...and I am happy as a clam and excited for the new year for the first time since...well possibly since I moved here in 2001! Onward and upward!

Here's to a year full of countless miracles, blessings and adventures. BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. AND SO DO YOU.

This post is dedicated to my friends 
Anne Mitchell Starr and Brian Putnam.

You have reminded me that every day is a miracle 

and I will honor your lives by fully living mine.

"Goodnight sweet prince and princess, 
and may flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." 

Election Eve 2012

Well...as the title of this blog suggests, it is the day before the presidential elections of 2012. And I have to say that as an independent who practically rips out her hair every four years because there is NEVER a candidate for me (or half the American people, according to my theory that no one is really as extremist as either candidate ever is), I am ready for this to be over. However, this is the first election in the last three at least in which my choice has never been easier.

I lean conservative on some issues and liberal on others. Anyone who knows me or follows me on Twitter or Facebook is very aware of my extremely liberal stance on gay rights (as in "they damn well ought to have them -- ALL of them"). On the other hand, I do believe life begins at conception, making abortion murder, and am therefore in favor of stricter policies on it (though not in favor of completely overturning Roe vs. Wade, particularly in instances of rape and incest, "legitimate" or otherwise). As a woman, I don't particularly care for a bunch of overpaid old white guys deciding when I can or cannot start my family. Economically, the SPENDSPENDSPEND mentality of the Dems always makes me nervous, probably because I've always been a saver myself. On the other hand, I don't believe for one minute that giving selfish douchebags ginormous tax breaks is the solution to anything but allowing them to maintain said selfish douchebaggery. 

In short...I'm generally for finding middle ground wherever and whenever possible. In my opinion, compromise MUST be met and EVERYONE will have to give a little bit on their personal stance to make things work overall. I don't know about you, but this seems perfectly logical to me.

I believe that if Obama didn't start out willing to do such, he was forced to by an obstinate Republican congress who cock-blocked him at every single turn (sorry Mom). The best part is they actually went on record admitting that this was the plan from the minute he was inaugurated. The Repubs actually had a MEETING at a fancy overpriced steakhouse to discuss it! They didn't have a plan to work together with their boss to fix the giant mess THEIR GUY created and get the American people back on their feet, oh no...their plan was to make sure he failed. And now? They use it against him in this election.

Strike one, says Independant Voter Girl. I have no tolerance for a party that is more interested in staying in power over protecting the well being of the people who elected them.

Now, understanding that people vote mostly in regard to the issues that effect them most personally, I get that perhaps Farmer John in Eagle Butte, SD (population 619) doesn't give a flying banana about gay rights. Chances are he's never known a gay person in his life (and if he did, he or she probably moved away the minute following high school graduation). His wife, having had her kids already and gone through menopause, perhaps doesn't much care about what happens to Planned Parenthood. As farmers, they work the earth and respect it and take care of it for a living, plus it's freakin' cold there in the winter, so global warming is an afterthought. These things are just not on their radar. 

But the economy certainly is. The worry that they can't pay their mortgage or they may lose their retirement is a very real issue for them. That said, I could find the logic in voting for a guy with a clear plan that could fix the economy over voting regarding social issues. 

Thing is campers, The Right Wing's guy doesn't have one. His "Five Point Plan" actually sounds a whole lot like what Democrats would like to see happen, if you read the generic explanation on his website. Great Mitt, five obvious things we need to do...so how are you gonna accomplish them? What? You don't know? Oh wait...with "Trickle Down Economics"? Hold on, now...all these bipartisan economic experts are telling you that your math doesn't work. But you're gonna barrel on through anyway, disrespecting 47% of the country by claiming they don't pay taxes and expect handouts and you can't be bothered to be their president...? You just wanna be the President of the United Rich Guys?

Strike two, says Independent Voter Girl. I don't understand the logic in voting on economic issues over the social issues when there is no clear plan in place in regard to those economic issues by the guy claiming he can fix it. And furthermore...I do happen to think that human beings are ENTITLED to food, shelter, clothing and healthcare in the richest, most powerful country in the world. I find it ironic that the party that doesn't want evolution being taught in our schools maintains a "survival of the fittest" mentality when it comes our poor. Get in The Lifeboat, folks. Unless you're pushed overboard...

Romney has no idea who the hell he is politically. The Mitt Romney running for president isn't even remotely the same guy who governed Massachusetts. If he was, I might actually vote for that guy! He came up with Romneycare (falsely labeled Obamacare currently). Under his governorship gays in Massachusetts became allowed to marry. If he wasn't personally a moderate, he at least knew enough not to allow his personal feelings to override the wishes of the American people. At the time.

That is NOT the guy running for office right now. It tells me that he was either saying whatever he needed to say to get himself elected then, or else he's doing so now. I tend to lean toward now because YouTube is full of video footage where he's flip-flopping like a dying fish through the debates and his campaign trail. One day he says he's cutting taxes on the wealthy, the next day he says he's not. One day he says we need to get rid of FEMA, but the minute a natural disaster strikes, he says he never said it. He preaches making China play fair, yet he continues to invest and maintain ownership in companies that shut down American businesses and ship their jobs overseas. Who are you, Mitt?

Strike three, says Independent Voter Girl. Nothing that comes out of Mitt's mouth is to be believed. Not one damn thing. People like to say the same about Obama -- I say that no one running for president has any idea what campaign promises they actually can keep until they see what's on their desk. I will maintain that outlook if Romney wins. However, the difference for me at this point is that Obama's platform as a senator was the same as his platform as president. Romney's platform...uh...wait...what is his platform again? Oh, yeah. President of the United Rich Guys. 

It comes down to this for me in this election. Regardless of our struggling economy, we are indeed STILL the richest country in the world. We're scrappers and we're resilient and the economy will right itself eventually. I think the majority of Americans are giving, sharing people who are willing to hunker down and sacrifice for the greater good of everyone. I don't think the selfish "I've got mine so screw you" mentality of the 1% will win the day because it is ugly, hateful and dishonest and I believe that Love and Truth will always win. Honestly I think the only way our economy couldn't bounce back eventually is if Al Qaeda took us over and well...Obama got their leader so...there's that. Okay, maybe if aliens took over. We'd all be screwed then. But that's not an election issue this time around, so I digress...

I am voting in regard to the social issues. I believe our economy thrives when people are allowed to live their lives fully, wholly, safely and without fear. I believe our country will be blessed financially again when we accept every person for who he or she is without judgement and allow each individual to make his/her own decisions and control his/her own destinies. When people are imprisoned socially, all the money in the world doesn't make a shred of difference. 

In short, I cannot live selfishly anymore. I cannot hoard any longer. I cannot desperately cling to that which is material and worthless at the end of life's journey anyway. You can't take it with you, as they say. So I don't believe my bank account is more important than another human being's right to life, liberty or pursuit of happiness. I will store my treasures in Heaven instead. Or rack up my Karma points. Or whatever your personal life philosophy or religion subscribes to (or doesn't). 

I'm sticking with the guy who has actually lived the American Dream as opposed to the guy who had it handed to him on a silver platter.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence, 
or denies your right to grow." 

~Alice Walker

Obama/Biden 2012

Ponderings

As I sit and type this I'm not sure if I'm going to actually publish it. I just know I need to get out of my head and writing helps me do that. I feel like I'm at a crossroads and need to make some kind of decision. And soon, because I'm not getting any younger.  

We're in the middle of a long, miserable heat wave in Southern California. It's 98 degrees in North Hollywood where I live, unusually humid (still nothing compared to Nashville) and my tiny little apartment has no a/c (I have a bedroom window unit, but it's so hot that it keeps blowing the breaker whenever I run it, so I've been sleeping in the heat, too -- and when I say sleeping, I mean not sleeping at all). I have two fans going full blast, beating the hot air upon me. I take three showers a day. I have plenty of food in my fridge, but it all requires heating up the stove or oven, which is simply unthinkable in this weather. My skin looks amazing, my voice feels great, but the rest of me stinks like a construction worker even though I make great efforts to remain as still as possible in the hopes of not breaking a sweat (epic fail). I find myself highly tempted to scream, "STELLAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" at least five times a day.

This week I found out that a large vocal coaching job on a feature film I'd been hired for is not going to happen after all. I'd been very much looking forward to it, not only because it would've looked great on my resume, but because I'd like to do more coaching of that variety in general. I love my students and I generally enjoy teaching one-on-one, but I think where I'd really soar is in freelance coaching jobs on films, television, special events, etc. But also, being able to say you were the voice coach on a feature film helps to get more private students too, and a girl's gotta make a living. I needed this stepping stone.

Just got off the phone with my Dad...who promptly laid into me about moving out of L.A. It was an hour of the following:

Dad: "If you're not happy there, why do you stay?" (keep in mind he hates L.A. -- won't even come visit)

Me: "Dad, I've been unhappy in every city I've ever lived in. It's not L.A., it's ME."

Dad (bless 'im): "Noooooo honey, it's not yooooouuuuuu..."

Me: "Yes it is. Because I've yet to be successful making a living at the ONE thing I'm best at in any place I've lived."

Dad: "Well ya just gotta find out what you really wanna do and go where you can do it."

Me: "Dad. I've been doing that for twenty years. I've only ever wanted to be a studio singer. I've gone where I need to go to give myself the best possible chance at doing that. And it just doesn't work. Ever. I'm at the point where I need to decide to pack it in entirely soon."

Silence. Then, "Well babes, I really don't know what to say."

And that's the point...there isn't anything he can say. 

And my conversations with Mom are the same. Why are you still there? Don't you wanna come home? At least go back to Nashville? What about Chicago with your sister? Why don't ALL of you move there, at least you'll be together...

*sigh*

I'm weary. And I don't know what to do. I keep working on my outlook, trying to be grateful for everything I do have (I'm not living in a van down by the river yet, after all) and changing my thinking to glass-half-full instead of half-empty, but I'm not getting that life-changing "aha moment" I keep waiting for that others seem to get. And yes, I know it's a gradual process, and as much as this blog doesn't sound like it at the moment, my outlook has improved exponentially overall. But my career continues not to. And I've sacrificed a lot to have it -- no husband, no kids, separated from my family for years, uprooting my life and moving thousands of miles away more than once, singing for free way more than anyone ever should. I really think I could be content living anywhere if I was just doing what I love to do...and doing enough of it that I'm not in danger of my electric being cut off in the middle of a heat wave. I don't need to be rich. I don't need fancy digs. I don't need a flashy car. I couldn't care less about the latest fashions. Just comfortable would be great. Enough to pay the bills and have an occasional evening out with friends. A clean place to live in a quiet neighborhood with a/c and maybe a dishwasher. Maybe a humble get-away once a year, but I won't push my luck. I'm a simple girl and I just want simple things. 

I just want to sing and I want it to be my job. That's all.

Oh, For The Love Of Chikin, Already!

So, if you haven't heard by now of the major clusterfuggle that is "Chick-fil-A v. The Gays" then you simply must be living under a rock. But if you haven't, here's the Reader's Digest Version, complete with all the bipartisanship I can muster:

1) Chick-fil-A is a growing fast food chain that makes super yummy chicken sammiches (ooops, sorry I'm being biased already!).

2) Chick-fil-A is a family-owned company -- specifically, the Cathy family.

3) Chick-fil-A's business model is based in Biblical tenets (thus, they are closed on Sundays to honor their Sabbath, among other things).

4) Chick-fil-A has always donated money to political campaigns and organizations that support their business model, some of which are not gay-friendly.

5) Some folks found this out rather recently and a rumbling began in the gay community. A boycott was called.

6) Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy admits he does not support the gay lifestyle or marriage equality in an interview with the Baptist Press.

7) The gays hear about it and all hell breaks loose.

8) The Jim Henson Company publicly severs business dealings with Chick-fil-A due to their stance on marriage equality.

(This pic flying around Facebook made me laugh - c'mon, it's funny!)

9) Not only does all hell break loose again, but purgatory, heaven and whatever plane ghosts live on all join in. It's absolute mayhem.

10) Chick-fil-A stops putting Muppet toys in their kids meals, citing the toys as dangerous. Many think the company's lying in an attempt to save face. Chick-fil-A denies the allegation.

11) Chick-fil-A is accused of creating a fake Facebook account posing as a teenage girl to defend against the thousands of unfriendly posts made by the company's haters. A couple posters call "the girl" out as a fake, post a stock photo found online used on "her" profile and by the next day the account has been deactivated. Chick-fil-A claims they did not create the fake account and that they never would do such a thing.

There. You're all caught up.

Now, I've been noticing two particular arguments consistently brought up by Chick-fil-A's supporters:

1) Chick-fil-A isn't discriminating against anyone. They hire LGBT people and they serve LGBT people.

2)  Tolerance goes both ways.

If you're reading this blog you probably already know my feelings on marriage equality (I'm for it) and gay people in general (I don't think it's a sin to be gay and yes, I think they're born that way). Here is the response I'd like to make to the above two points and I hope supporters of Chick-fil-A will read it with open minds and hearts. I know why you feel the way you do, because I used to feel exactly the same way once upon a time, for all the exact same reasons you do. So I hope you will give yourself the opportunity to look at the other side of the coin as vividly as you possibly can.

1) I am actually a fan of Chick-fil-A's business model in general. I think more businesses would do well to follow much of its example -- closing one day a week and holidays (Jewish businesses still do it and no one complains), operating debt-free, donating to organizations that help the community flourish, supporting families being together and staying together. I'd even be okay if Chick-fil-A ran commercials that stated flat out, "We're a Christian company, built upon Christian beliefs. Eat more chikin." It's their right to do all of that.

The problem is in where they put their money. It's not like they're "The Cathy Family Christian Bookstore." If that were the case, wouldn't you then certainly expect them to put their money in very specific, most likely  religiously-oriented places? Why yes, you would, as is their right (and if you didn't expect it and go cause a stink about it, well then you're just a moron). But when Dan Cathy himself has said, "There is no such thing as a Christian business," and he's selling non-religious chicken sandwiches across the nation for the love of Pete, then why take the profits and financially support organizations with such controversial agendas? Why not put that money toward things that better the community for EVERYONE, regardless of religion, sex, sexual orientation, race or creed? No doubt they donate to many organizations like this, but honestly...if a certain minority's money is green enough for you to take as payment, then you should probably not be turning around and giving it to organizations that are trying to legislate said minority into second class citizenship. THAT is not only blatantly biting the hand that feeds you, but it IS discrimination, no matter how you look at it. If Chick-fil-A were hiring and serving black people and then turning around and donating profits to the KKK...see? Chick-fil-A is financially supporting continued discrimination, period.

Be Switzerland and none of this would be happening...just sayin'.

(For the record, it's my feeling, as a believer in the separation of church and state, that NO business or corporation whatsoever should be allowed to donate money to ANY political campaign or religious-based organization...things would be A LOT different in this country on both sides of the fence, wouldn't it? But we all know that isn't going to happen. Like...ever. Unless the people overthrow the government and start over from scratch. So yeah...like...never ever.)

2) Tolerance absolutely does go both ways. I tolerate Chick-fil-A supporters' religious opinions, even though I disagree. I understand why they feel the way they do. Jesus works for them and they want everyone to experience that and they think if only everyone could, this world would be a better place. I think 95% of people think the way they do out of genuine concern for what they perceive to be the greater good, whether I agree with it or not. And so I tolerate, readily, everyone's religious beliefs and I know that many supporting the boycott do as well.

However...no one has to tolerate a corporation's business practices, particularly when those practices are unethical in that person's opinion. I do not have to tolerate Chick-fil-A taking my hard-earned money and giving it to a cause I am vehemently against. Just like I do not have to tolerate the banks taking a government bail out and sending its CEOs on vacation with it. Catholics didn't tolerate "The Last Temptation of Christ" when it came out back in the 80's. Those One Million Moms (which are really only a few hundred thousand) don't feel they have to tolerate...well...just about anything, really. Here in the U.S., we get to vote not just at the polls but with our wallets, too. This is an example of true capitalism at work.

In addition, no one should tolerate a person's basic rights being threatened because someone else thinks they shouldn't be able to have them. I think some people do not deserve to be parents. This does not mean that passing a law that decides which people can reproduce and which cannot is remotely ethical. Even if I believe with my whole heart that it would benefit the greater good for some people to be forced to have a little snip-snip or a little knot tied - and I very well might be right - infringing upon someone's right to live his or her own life as he/she sees fit is never the right thing to do. Otherwise, you might find someone infringing upon yours one day.

Gay people are not aliens from another planet put here to destroy the earth as we know it. They are human beings like any other who just want to be allowed to live and love in peace. They are tax-paying members of our society who have families that deserve to be protected under the law just as much as Steve and Suzie SuperChristian do...or Mike and Mary Muslim...or Jerry and Joanna Jew...or Wayne and Wynona Wicca...or Neil and Nancy NewAge...or Burt and Betty Buddhist...

...or the Cathys.

And the Emmy goes to...

I thought it might be time for me to a) write a freakin' blog and b) write a freakin' blog that isn't super heavy. "Of what shall I write?" I queried. And then it came to me after reading the latest ever-so-fabulous blog on this year's Emmy nominations from Your TV Tour Guide ..."Well, since I'm taking this acting thing somewhat seriously lately...why don't I weigh in, too?" After all, fair reader, you just KNOW I have something to say about all of THAT. Plus it's just plain frivolous fun.  

Okay well, most of the time. There is some seriously amazing work going on in television right now and anyone who calls the tv an "idiot box" needs to spend one day on a (real) television set to accept their well-deserved arse-kicking. When used properly, television can be a wonderful, creative, exciting, funny, joyful, powerful - and grueling - medium, of which the creators, cast and most certainly crew deserve some respect.

Unless you're responsible for Jersey Shore. Then I would like you to take notice of the hand basket you're in and the deep, fiery abyss at the end of the road you're on.

But I digress. Here are my feelings on this year's nominations. Let me know what you think, too (there is a link to leave a comment at the bottom. Just sayin.).

COMEDY SERIES

Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

Girls (HBO)

30 Rock (NBC)

Veep (HBO)

Modern Family (ABC)

The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

So the only show I watch in this group is Modern Family and I love it so I'm gonna root for them, even though the Academy loves its raunchy cable shows and 30 Rock and Big Bang are both quality shows from what I hear from my friends who watch them. And secretly, though I love me some Tina Fey, I'm getting a little burnt out on her and think she should take some time for some sleep at some point before she becomes Tina Feybot.

Who I pick: Modern Family

Who I think will win: Modern Family

Unconscionable snub: The Middle (ABC). I laugh out loud watching that show. Right out loud. Guffaw. And it's all because of the genius actors playing the kids. 

LEAD ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Zooey Deschanel (New Girl)

Lena Dunham (Girls)

Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)

Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)

Tina Fey (30 Rock)

Julia Louis-Drefus (Veep)

Melissa McCarthy (Mike and Molly)

This is a category in which I almost couldn't care less who wins because I watch none of these shows. Amy Poehler has the career my leetle seester should have (seester's cuter and funnier, trust). Zooey Deschanel is just doing her trademark cute-and-quirky. I love Melissa McCarthy but I can't stand the way in which the lead characters are treated by the people supposedly closest to them on this show so I won't watch it. Lastly, I kinda think Edie Falco should take a note from the Oprah playlist -- it's ok to decline a nomination because you've had enough already -- really, it is!  So, whomever wins, more power to ya, sister.

Who I pick: Melissa McCarthy

Who I think will win: Edie Falco

LEAD ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Jon Cryer (Two and a Half Men)

Louis C.K. (Louie)

Jim Parsons (Big Bang Theory)

Don Cheadle (House of Lies)

Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)

Hmmmmm. Another category I don't care about because I don't watch any of these shows. CLEARLY I need to start watching more comedy (and the networks need to start making some worth watching...?). I'm going for Don Cheadle here. He's one cool dude and that's enough for me.

Who I pick: Don Cheadle

Who I think will win: Alec Baldwin

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY SERIES

Mayim Bialik (Big Bang Theory)

Merritt Wever (Nurse Jackie)

Julie Bowen (Modern Family)

Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)

Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)

Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)

Well...if we're basing this one on whom I perceive to have the hardest job talent-wise, I'd have to go with Kristen Wiig, taking on half a dozen characters every show. But we're not. I love that Blossom's been nominated after all these years. I hope she wears a snappy hat to the ceremony. BUT...I don't think anyone's going to beat out the late Mrs. McCluskey, and perhaps they shouldn't, because she was so brave as to let us see her without her hair on camera in her final episode, not to mention facing head on playing a part that was foreshadowing the inevitable in her own life.

Who I pick: Kathryn Joosten

Who I think will win: Kathryn Joosten

Unconscionable snub: Eden Sher as Sue Heck (The Middle)

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY SERIES

Ed O'Neill (Modern Family)

Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)

Ty Burrell (Modern Family)

Eric Stonescreet (Modern Family)

Bill Hader (Saturday Night Live)

Max Greenfield (New Girl)

Seriously with this category? C'MON, ACADEMY!!! I love this show but just how much did ABC pay you?

Who I pick: Bill Hader (hardest job)

Who I think will win: Hell if I know!

Unconscionable snub: Charlie McDermott as Axl Heck (The Middle)

DRAMA SERIES

Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

Breaking Bad (AMC)

Downton Abbey (PBS)

Mad Men (AMC)

Homeland (Showtime)

Game of Thrones (HBO)

Though I want to see ALL of these shows (I don't have any movie channels and my Netflix is currently on hold for a bit...probably should've mentioned that up front) and I hear they are all exceptional, I'm going with Breaking Bad because I HAVE seen it and I honestly cannot imagine how any show on this earth could possibly be better overall than was this show's fourth season. I mean for realz. Bit my nails to the nubs! 

Who I pick: Breaking Bad

Who I think will win: Downton Abbey (British accents always give an edge)

Unconscionable snub(s): Oh let's see...Fringe...The Good Wife...Supernatural...Grimm...Dexter...lots of good stuff going on in drama right now.

LEAD ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)

Michelle Dockery (Downton Abbey)

Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)

Kathy Bates (Harry's Law)

Claire Danes (Homeland)

Glenn Close (Damages)

I adore The Good Wife and because I think it was woefully snubbed in the drama series category, I'm pulling for Julianna. Her tight rope between detached lawyer and loving mother is quite something to watch.

Who I pick: Julianna Margulies

Who I think will win: Claire Danes

Unconscionable snub(s): As with every season for the last five, the Academy shamefully overlooked the brilliant, complicated work of Mary McCormack as Mary Shannon on In Plain Sight (and this past was its last season, so it's too late now!). 

LEAD ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Steve Buscemi (Boardwalk Empire)

Michael C. Hall (Dexter)

Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)

Hugh Bonneville (Downton Abbey)

Jon Hamm (Mad Men)

Damien Lewis (Homeland)

Alright, I'm a very recent Dexter convert, having raced through six seasons in about a two and a half week span (sleep? what sleep?), so I would be personally tickled to see Michael C. Hall take it. But season six was admittedly not the show's best from a story standpoint nor from a character standpoint (for that I go with season five, though I know many would disagree with me), so I think I have to give the edge to Bryan Cranston for sinking his teeth into some amazing material and basically showing everyone how it's done.

Who I pick: Michael C. Hall or Bryan Cranston (I ain't mad at either of 'em)

Who I think will win: Steve Buscemi (wild guess)

Unconscionable snub: no doubt there are several whose names simply don't come to mind right now...

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA SERIES

Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)

Anna Gunn (Breaking Bad)

Maggie Smith (Downton Abbey)

Joanne Froggatt (Downton Abbey)

Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)

Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)

Because I'm so incensed that Jennifer Carpenter wasn't nominated for her brilliantly-layered-foul-mouthed-barely-holding-it-together-sister-of-a-serial-killer Deb Morgan in Dexter, I will probably turn off the tv entirely while they are reading this category. Okay, not really. I'll watch (and scream "JENNIFER CARPENTER!!!" at the tv after the presenter reads "And the award goes to...").

Who I pick: Jennifer Carpenter (write in). But if that doesn't work, Archie Panjabi.

Who I think will win: Jennifer Carpenter (write in). But if that doesn't work, it'll probably be Maggie Smith.

Unconscionable snub(s): HAVE I MENTIONED JENNIFER CARPENTER??? BUEHLER? Also, the absolutely luminous Jasika Nicole playing Astrid (Anna/Astro/Adelle/Adelaide/Amy/Amanda, etc.) Farnsworth on Fringe. Her relationship with Walter Bishop is what made me stick with the show in the beginning and her Alternate Astrid confirmed for me what a diverse talent she is. 

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA SERIES

Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)

Giancarlo Esposito (Breaking Bad)

Brendan Coyle (Downton Abbey)

Jim Carter (Downton Abbey)

Jared Harris (Mad Men)

Peter Dinklage (Game of Thrones)

I don't know whether to root for Aaron Paul's seething, recovering-junkie, broken-hearted cat-toy-to-Walter-White or Giancarlo Esposito's terrifyingly quiet portrayal of drug kingpin Gus Fring. I'd be okay with either. And I wouldn't hate it if Peter Dinklage won, even though I haven't seen the show. I think it's amazing all he has accomplished in his career and I find him incredibly inspiring.

Who I pick: Aaron or Giancarlo

Who I think will win: Jim Carter or Peter Dinklage

Unconscionable snub: John Noble as Walter Bishop in Fringe, Alan Cumming as Elliott Gould in The Good Wife (seriously Academy, in both cases - WAKE UP!!!), and Dean Norris as Hank Schrader in Breaking Bad.

MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Game Change (HBO)

American Horror Story (FX)

Hemingway & Gellhorn (HBO)

Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia - Masterpiece (PBS)

Luther (BBC America)

Hatfields & McCoys (History)

If American Horror Story doesn't win, I will be writing a STRONGLY worded letter to the Academy.

Who I pick: American Horror Story (hands down)

Who I think will win: American Horror Story

Unconscionable snub: Not a clue - there aren't that many, are there?

LEAD ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Julianne Moore (Game Change)

Connie Britton (American Horror Story)

Nicole Kidman (Hemingway & Gelhorn)

Emma Thompson (The Song of Lunch - Masterpiece)

Ashley Judd (Missing)

Now, one of my new favorite dramas of the whole year was ABC's Missing, which I didn't expect ANYTHING out of. However, it was actually like watching 24 if it had actual emotion and an unbelievably gorgeous backdrop. I was pleasantly surprised and REALLY aggro when it was cancelled. That said, I am very happy to see Ashley Judd's name on this list -- if ever an actress without kids of her own played a desperate mama lion convincingly, she certainly did.

Who I pick: Ashley Judd

Who I think will win: Nicole Kidman 

Unconscionable snub: n/a

LEAD ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Woody Harrelson (Game Change)

Clive Owen (Hemingway & Gelhorn)

Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia - Masterpiece)

Idris Elba (Luther)

Kevin Costner (Hatfields & McCoys)

Bill Paxton (Hatfields & McCoys)

Who WOULDN'T vote for Benedict Cumberbatch, simply because it's such an AMAZING name?

Who I pick: Good ole Ben

Who I think will win: Clive Owen 

Unconscionable snub: n/a

SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Sarah Paulson (Game Change)

Frances Conroy (American Horror Story)

Jessica Lange (American Horror Story)

Judy Davis (Page Eight - Masterpiece)

Mare Winningham (Hatfields & McCoys)

I will always love my Mare for St. Elmo's Fire, but Jessica was so off her rocker in American Horror Story that I can’t imagine anyone else winning. Except maybe Frances Conroy. But I think the edge is Jessica’s.

Who I pick: Jessica Lange

Who I think will win: Jessica Lange

Unconscionable snub: Taissa Farmiga as Violet Harmon in American Horror Story. Quite the convincing depressed, suicidal teenager.

SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A MINISERIES OR MOVIE

Ed Harris (Game Change)

Denis O’Hare (American Horror Story)

David Strathairn (Hemingway & Gelhorn)

Martin Freeman (Sherlock – Masterpiece)

Tom Berenger (Hatfields & McCoys)

Gotta go with Denis…he freaked me out!

Who I pick: Denis O’Hare

Who I think will win: Not a clue, so I’ll say Ed Harris cuz I lurve him

Unconscionable snub:  Even Peters as Tate Langdon in American Horror Story. A very convincing depressed, homicidal teenager.

That’s pretty much the extent of the categories I want to touch on…mostly cuz I’m tired of copying and pasting and I thought this was gonna be a quick blog but it turned out to be never-ending! So let me know what you think. No doubt there’s plenty of tv I missed that should’ve been honored. Guess we’ll see how it all turns out on September 23rd!

I Am...

It's gratitude list time.

My sinuses feel pretty good for the first time this year.

So does my voice.

I am in the middle of a show run with cast members I really enjoy and audiences that are embracing us heartily. And there's a possibility of an extension.

My family are all healthy and still with me. I had a lovely conversation with my Daddy in Florida this afternoon. I'm grateful that at almost 63 he felt healthy enough to run a 5k for charity - he came in 3rd in his 60 and up age group. Considering we almost lost him in the late 90's, this is MUCH to be grateful for.

The yard my late friend/neighbor Matt went to such great lengths to carefully create and cultivate himself is still alive, and while not exactly thriving per se, is certainly not suffering too much, praisaluiah! Flowers blossomed, some grass grew and all is not lost. I haven't killed your masterpiece yet, Matty!

There is food in my fridge. I won't starve anytime soon.

My car runs adequately.

I'm stuck with a cat I didn't choose...but he is a very good boy and very sweet, so I couldn't have lucked out more.

My little five year old quasi-nieces still have hugs, kisses and "I love yous" readily available whenever they see me.

My sis came up for my birthday over Mother's Day weekend and we had a lovely time. She took me to get our nails did and to a yummy Italian place for dinner and she got to see my show. She's my bestie.

Another season of Supernatural and Fringe are on the way.

My neighbor's daughter and grandchildren, who aren't on the lease but live with him anyway, are very nice, sweet, considerate people and make every effort to keep the noise down so that I am able to conduct my voice lessons in peace.

Tomorrow I'm spending the day in Venice Beach with a friend - I've never been there before. I hear it's quite interesting.

The weather has been amazingly beautiful lately. Not too hot during the day, not too cool at night.

The people in my life seem to genuinely love me. Even when I'm uber-preachy about gay rights and fat acceptance. And I mean preachy!

I am abundant. I am abundANCE.

2012: Please sir, can I have some more?

Is it weird that I started crying last night as soon as Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin said, "10...9..." and was a blubbering mess by "Happy New Year!"...? Alone in my apartment with a nasty cold, probably too much medicine in my system and a cup of cocoa, I've never cried tears of joy to see any single year pass before in all of my  years.

As a friend of mine posted on Twitter last night, "Good-bye 2011, you raggedy b***h!"

Preach.

I have tossed the subject matter of this blog around in my head nearly the entire month of December. I have not wanted to revisit the s**t I've been through this year (sorry Jesus, sometimes four letters are all that will do). I haven't wanted to write one more single negative, sad, depressing, angry, bitter, whiny thing. I haven't wanted to re-open the wound on the pain, grief, fear, rejection, loneliness, desperation, want and failure (or at least the perception of these things) I've experienced the majority of the last twelve months. I also don't want to allow myself to wallow in it for one more solitary second. 

I've had way, way, WAY too much to drink at this particular pity party. Time to put that stupid sorority girl to bed.

And so goodbye 2011, you raggedy b***h, indeed. 

This is not to say the whole year's been a wash, because some wonderful things have indeed happened, cuz ya know...that's life and stuff. I had some fun performances, released my very first official music video, recorded and released my first holiday single ever, booked my first paid acting jobs ever, been nominated for TWO All Indie Music Awards (please vote in the alternative and rock categories!), a good friend was in a terrible car accident in which he probably shouldn't have even lived but is expected to make a full recovery, a few scum bucket political figures are dead, the war in Iraq is over, no one's getting kicked out of the military anymore because of who they love, my little twin pseudo-nieces' faces still light up when they see me even though they are big girls in kindergarten now (I will slurp up that nectar of the gods as long as I'm allowed),  I still have a car that runs and a roof over my head, all my siblings are gainfully employed, my dad just got a new job where he gets to help people in need (which he loves to do) and my mom got a cell phone (wait...maybe the Mayans are right...  ).

All that said, this year, in the same spirit as fellow blogger and body acceptance activist Ragen Chastain, I am not making resolutions to eliminate anything "bad" from my life. I just got out of a year of foolishly feeding my perception of lack, grieving the literal death of a friend as well as the death of a relationship with another, so fuggeddaboudat. I'm not gonna lose anything else...no. more. loss. 2012 is going to be THE YEAR OF MORE for me:

• More smiling and laughter.
• More time with people who love me for who I am and where I am in my life right now instead of where they think I should be.
• More dancing and moving my body in ways that are enjoyable to me and make me stronger.
• More songwriting (since I didn't write a single song last year, this should be easy!)
• More performing.
• More connecting with people in my field of expertise.
• More recording.
• More travel.
• More hugs.
• More assistance in helping other people discover their own voices.
• More food that fuels me and keeps me healthy.
• More senseless acts of kindness to others.
• More sharing - of my things, my time, my gifts and my heart.
• More sleep.
• More attempts at new things that quite possibly terrify me.
• More consciously choosing joy.
• More listening. 
• More auditions.
• More learning (particularly brushing up my sight-singing skills and taking acting classes).
• More reading.
• More respecting and accepting myself.
• More appreciating my body for the amazing and intricately running soft machine that it is.
• More speaking to myself in edifying and encouraging ways.
• More feeling good.
• More peace.
• More money (as long as we're at it...).
• More believing that as a Creation and Manifestation of the Divine, I am perfectly and wonderfully made RIGHT NOW.

MORE BEING THE REAL ME, BECAUSE I AM ENOUGH.

This mug was given to me by one of my teachers in high school as a graduation gift and I still have it and use it to this day. I think she is the only teacher who ever truly "got" me and it took me years to realize it (Thanks, Miss Hintz!). This morning, as I made my final decision on how to approach this year-end blog, I thought it fitting to use it for this year's first cup of coffee.

WELCOME, 2012. GIMME MORE.

Sober Up

The moment when you realize through your grief that losing a loved one is not about you is quite sobering...even if you're stone cold drunk when it hits you.

Sober. Quite suddenly.

No, it's not about you begging the spirits of the departed to return in a ghostly form in front of you (at 3am as you get up to pee) and beg them to bestow their forgiveness upon you for all the crappy things you did or said to them while they were alive. 

It's not about you damning them to hell for never owning up to some lie they went to their grave letting you believe, either...watching you twist in the wind in your guilt and never letting you off the hook.

It's not about you not knowing how to maintain or honor your loved one's wishes when he refused to deal with getting his affairs in order before his last days.

It's not about what it feels like for you when the workers come in to tear down lovingly built walls, tear up carpets, rip out intricately installed wiring, pull out moldings, throw away classic light fixtures and wash over every trace of your beloved's personality in a harsh, cold white, paint. 

And it's not going to be about you the first time you allow some other currently-breathing carcass into his newly white-washed home, to show the place to a potential new resident and tell him or her stoically that he transitioned there. Yes, there. Right in that room. And by the way, you're inheriting an evil black cat if you move in. Boogeda boogeda boogeda!

Rather...it always has been and should be about him and his glorious new existence. He who is too busy being free and whole in mind, spirit and body to have time to come back to deal with you in a less-than-fabulous specter-esque form just to give you permission to quit feeling sorry for yourself. He does not care of the things of this world any longer and would frankly have little patience for the fact that you do. 

He just might, however, come back long enough to terrify you into soiling yourself a little if an Archangel should get word to him about what's been going down with Suzie Sadsack back on Earth. No doubt he'd get a giggle out of that, but soon enough he'd be frantic that curtain is in five and you're making him late. 

Sober up. Not about you. His death...about HIM. Not you. HIM. And he's alive and full of light and racing around on fully developed legs and gorging his eyes with every delicious color and shape ever Created, now available to him with 20/20 vision. The joy you should feel by simply imagining what he is seeing, feeling and experiencing for the first time in 47 years should be enough for you to let your insignificant guilt go. Let. it. go. He doesn't care about your guilt, as he shouldn't. He does NOT care. There is now way too much living and celebrating and preparing for his next journey to do, too many more hearts that need to collide with his, too many stages to light, too many canvases to paint, too many beings' lives to touch in the next realm, because it's HIS death...and NOT YOURS. Absolutely. not. yours.

Let him have his death...because guaranteed, he wants you to have your life. Sober up.

For M.M.H. ♥

Una Poesia

For M.M.H. ♥

What am I doing here
Nothing to show for all my sorrow
What proves I ever really existed
No one to give me just one bone-crushing hug
The kind you can collapse in
I so need one and yet there's no one
And somehow I mourn so deeply one
Who couldn't be that for me
The one true blue in all these years
The only one with the kindest words
The most selfless heart
The desire to please
Who showed his love with color and light
and wood and nails and paint
Though not bone-crushing hugs

And I didn't do enough
I never did enough
I never let myself consider doing
much of anything
He needs a project
Always a project
So self-sufficient
Never asked for help
And though I knew he needed some
I didn't offer
I just didn't
And now it's too late
And I knew it would be while I was in it
I saw this moment of guilt and grief
coming down the road
And still -- I did nothing
Until the point where I was forced
Not because I wanted to but because I had to
And everyone says "angel"
But I say "coward" and "creep"
and "user" and "narcissist"
Even though he'd have done it for me
No second thoughts
Bottles of piss cleaning my nails
feedings through straws
He'd lift me off the milkshake-cat-puke-covered floor
with his freakishly strong, painfully skinny arms
Without a single second thought
He'd lift me.

But I? Me? -- shook and fretted the whole time
Every touch another tear
Every caress across his brow guilt burning my skin
Every single minute still breathing is a new flame of terror
There are no flowers beneath my window this year
What color - you didn't tell me what color you want
Has he stopped yet
The breathing I mean.


He's gone now
Never coming home never never never
Name dying out -- gone for good
Evaporating with the heat of the cooling spotlight
And I'm all he had I'm what he got stuck with
And I wasn't enough
It wasn't fair
Seven years and I wasn't enough
"you were his angel"
bullshit shut up

Come home I want you to come home
Time to come home
Please come home
Release this
I can't feel this sick to my stomach anymore.

Somehow it's still about me.

A Better Day Will Come ~ Go On

I was asked to be a guest contributor on my good friend Gene-Manuel's blog this week. I had already planned to write here on Messcapades about some personal experiences with the writing, recording and filming of "Go On (feat. Debby Holiday and Levi Kreis)" as well as the passing of my dear friend/neighbor Matt, so I went ahead with that and let Gene share it on his Whirling Blog. I hope you will check it out, leave some comments and become friends with the wonderful and talented Gene-Manuel! 

The Whirling Blog - "A Better Day Will Come ~ Go On" by Darci Monet

And hey...if you haven't already, check out my beautiful new music video, Directed by Christopher Gregson and SHARE it with the world, k? Let's lift up some hearts. :-)

Go on, little brothers and sisters!

~Darci

The Voice = The Lie

Disclaimer: There will be some bitching in this post. As a person who is consciously making the choice to subscribe to the mentality that life is what I make of it (as best I can), I do however recognize that there are injustices in the world that cannot and should not be ignored. Only when people speak out and draw attention to them can things begin to change for the better. This is going to be one such blog. 

Now that I've said all that, you're probably expecting me to get on my soapbox about marriage equality, child abuse or the separation of church and state. Not this time. This is all about my OTHER peeve...the lifelong one that never changes or goes away no matter how my opinions, politics, general outlook on life or the be-all-end-all numbers may change. 

And here it is: how our society allows the complete dismissal - and often flat out abuse - of fat people. Guess what? THAT'S ME.

Today I auditioned for NBC's new smash hit talent competition, "The Voice." For the second season in a row. I did not get a call back last season and once again, I didn't get one this season. Now, if you're new here, before you assume my nose is out of joint because I'm delusional about my talent level as so many are, a) listen to my vocal reel, b) understand that I am a professional vocalist and vocal coach for a living and c) I've been on lots of auditions with no call back and rarely let it affect me -- I realize that I don't have the big picture and don't know what they're looking for...big deal. It doesn't necessarily mean I'm untalented or not good enough. So on to the next.

However, I take exception to this particular audition for the same reason as I did last season's...because it's a complete fraud.

Before I explain why, in the interest of fairness and because there is always something to be grateful for, let me first wax poetic on the GOOD things about today's audition:

1) I had to be there so early (7am - who sings before noon???) that traffic wasn't bad getting there or back at all. Zip, zip, zip. Thumbs up there!

2). It was at the L.A. Forum, where there is a huge parking lot, and they didn't charge anyone (usually $25 - yikes!). I got a very convenient space so I didn't have to walk far, either.

3) It was nice and cool and still foggy at that hour, so even though we were corralled in the parking lot, we weren't suffering under the blazing sun. And we were only out there about an hour and half, which for a process like this is a MIRACLE.

4) The whole thing was extremely organized. Everyone on staff knew what he/she was doing and we were herded and sectioned off with purpose and efficiency.

5) Everyone on staff - and I mean everyone, including the producer I sang for - was respectful, encouraging and cheerful. And they'd all been there since 5am and L.A. is the last city on the audition tour. So they could've been uber-hateful if they chose to be.

6) I was in my car and on my way home by 11:30am. X-Factor could certainly take a lesson on how to run a cattle call audition from The Voice. Four and a half hours for something like this is UNHEARD OF. Huge kudos to whoever designed the process for having their crap together.

7) I met some really nice people, including a woman who, as it turns out, is a mutual friend of one of my good friends. I always love when that happens!

So why do I feel duped?

This is a show that -- unlike any other talent competition show on television -- claims to be about THE. VOICE. Real talent. People who can actually sing. No, no, no...rather, SAAAANG. From day one American Idol has never claimed to be about finding the best talent. It's original title was "American Idol: The Search for a Superstar." Not "The Search for an Amazing Talent." They've always said, "Vote for your favorite," not "vote for the person you think sang the best." X-Factor is looking for "that indescribable thing" that Madonna, Justin Bieber and Taylor Swift have...which is to say, certainly not their voices. But The Voice is all, "We want SERIOUS artists! No chicken suits! We want the best singers ever! AND we won't base it on your looks cuz the auditions are BLIND!!!" So I auditioned last season thinking that this was the ONE show I had an actual shot at. Last season as well, a good five or six of my friends who auditioned, phenomenal vocalists all, also didn't get call backs. I was stunned at who they turned down that could sing circles around ME!

This season, I auditioned out of pressure from well-meaning friends who believe in my talent (thanks friends, I love you for that!). In the group of ten I was auditioning with, no one outsang me. Not even close. My fellow contestants even gave me "oooohs" and "aaaaaahs" while I was singing and applause when I was done. Then this girl with a model's figure and a really perilous bleach job who looks eerily like Zooey Deschanel (but prettier) gets up, sings this wussy Colbie Callait song about kings or something, does some hand claps and hip-shaking and is magically asked to sing another song. Her voice is solid, but not a stunner and not even unique. It's a dime-a-dozen voice. This is proven further when she sings Leann Womack's "I Hope You Dance" and screams out the word "dance" with absolutely no nuance whatsoever. 

When we're all finished singing, Zooey is asked by the producer to keep her cell phone on all day, while the rest of us are told, "The bar has been set really high this year, I heard some strong voices today but no one else is getting a call back. Thank you for coming." (At least he didn't say what last season's producer said to me: "Thank you, you can leave by the same door you came in.")

Uh...what? If Zooey's the high bar...then what was I? Or the three other people in the room who also sang much better than her and performed just as well...? 

Oh...did I also mention Zooey's 24 and I'm...not?

I used to be a person who blamed every non-success I ever had (and there are many) on my weight and my age. I realize this blog may sound much like that, but I honestly no longer believe in in that crap. I think there is an audience for everyone with talent, all looks, shapes, sizes and ages. I refuse to subscribe any longer to the Hollywood mentality that I cannot work in this town because of these "isms". I want to make this very clear. I REFUSE TO ACCEPT THE (SUB)STANDARD IN THIS TOWN. And since I changed this viewpoint in my life, things have been going pretty swimmingly, I must say.

But...what other explanation can there possibly be, when I blew the doors off that room -- for a second time -- to not have gotten even a call back? I'm not asking to win the whole dang thing, I'm simply thinking I am good enough to deserve a second shot! But I am not a stupid woman. I can see the look in a casting director or producer's eyes when I stand in front of them for the first time. That look I've been getting all my life...the disapproval, sometimes flat out disgust. I see their eyes gloss over and shut me out when they ask how old I am and I tell them (and why are they asking for a contest with supposedly no age limit anyway?). I usually try and be funny about it and say "Older than Britney but younger than Madonna!" Sometimes it gets a chuckle, sometimes it doesn't. I've also seen these looks on the faces in an audience from people who've never heard me sing before...but these looks dissipate as soon as the song begins. I always win them over once I sing.

Unless you're producing a televised singing competition show. Then apparently I couldn't get your attention if I ran around your little audition table in all my nekkid juiciferous splendor.

Yep, I probably sound conceited as hell. I don't care. I have allowed my insecurities to rule my life for a long time until the last couple years, but one thing I've never doubted is my talent. I know my worth as a vocalist and I know how good I am. And this simply makes no sense unless I was judged based on what I looked like. And I'm really, really weary of that. I'm really weary of our society continuing to allow this to happen. From the minute we come into this world we are bombarded with images of what women are supposed to look like, our magazines are full of "get thin fast" crap, our First Lady is waging a war with all the focus on childhood obesity instead of placing focus on improving school lunches (which basically sounds like this to a kid: "You're fat and are therefore so worthless that even the President's wife hates you"), the first thing out of every doctor's mouth when someone like me has so much as a sniffle is, "Well, if you'd lose some weight...", clothing options are hideous (don't get me started there), in tv and film Hollywood ridicules overweight people constantly (it's the only group of people left that is ok to bully and humiliate with no repercussions, apparently), airlines have created discriminatory policies focused specifically on humiliating fat people (and get away with it) and running the whole shebang is a diet industry raping us of billions of dollars annually with their lies, unsupported "studies", unhealthy weight loss options and general panic and fear that has seeped into the deepest fabric of our society, including our health insurance industry. Our children, particularly the females, are taught practically from birth that what they look like is all that matters and if they're not a "normal size" (what IS that, anyway?) they are unworthy of enjoying or participating in their lives, are deserving of cruelty and rejection and ought to feel ashamed of thinking they deserve to be treated otherwise. So in short, I was taught to hate myself from nearly the minute I was born by my own damned country. Long before my family ever started in!

Can you imagine what that feels like, being barraged by messages of rejection, hatred and unworthiness every day of your life from your earliest memory?

I bet some of you sure can.

"The Voice" touts itself as a true talent search, makes the average home-viewing American believe that everyone who gets up to sing has never been seen by a single pair of eyes before and this is the ultimate in vocal talent they could find in the country. Bullshizzlefrickasee! I'm perfectly aware that reality tv is the furthest thing from it, but this particular show is the biggest, fattest, fakest lie of them all (*cough* Mark Burnett *cough*). And I can't take it anymore. This rejection and hatred for fat people (particularly those of use over 30) is an injustice in our society and my industry just as much as racism, gay bashing, abuse, animal cruelty, etc. It's GOT to stop. 

I don't care if my weight makes you feel uncomfortable. This isn't about you and what you want. This is about me, my life and what I want. And I want to share my talents with people, because that is what my Maker has called me to do. You don't get to choose for me. You don't get to decide whether I'm allowed to live my dreams or not. So get over yourself, get out of His way and get out of mine. 

Yeah NBC...I'm talkin' to you.