Is it weird that I started crying last night as soon as Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin said, "10...9..." and was a blubbering mess by "Happy New Year!"...? Alone in my apartment with a nasty cold, probably too much medicine in my system and a cup of cocoa, I've never cried tears of joy to see any single year pass before in all of my years.
As a friend of mine posted on Twitter last night, "Good-bye 2011, you raggedy b***h!"
I have tossed the subject matter of this blog around in my head nearly the entire month of December. I have not wanted to revisit the s**t I've been through this year (sorry Jesus, sometimes four letters are all that will do). I haven't wanted to write one more single negative, sad, depressing, angry, bitter, whiny thing. I haven't wanted to re-open the wound on the pain, grief, fear, rejection, loneliness, desperation, want and failure (or at least the perception of these things) I've experienced the majority of the last twelve months. I also don't want to allow myself to wallow in it for one more solitary second.
I've had way, way, WAY too much to drink at this particular pity party. Time to put that stupid sorority girl to bed.
And so goodbye 2011, you raggedy b***h, indeed.
This is not to say the whole year's been a wash, because some wonderful things have indeed happened, cuz ya know...that's life and stuff. I had some fun performances, released my very first official music video, recorded and released my first holiday single ever, booked my first paid acting jobs ever, been nominated for TWO All Indie Music Awards (please vote in the alternative and rock categories!), a good friend was in a terrible car accident in which he probably shouldn't have even lived but is expected to make a full recovery, a few scum bucket political figures are dead, the war in Iraq is over, no one's getting kicked out of the military anymore because of who they love, my little twin pseudo-nieces' faces still light up when they see me even though they are big girls in kindergarten now (I will slurp up that nectar of the gods as long as I'm allowed), I still have a car that runs and a roof over my head, all my siblings are gainfully employed, my dad just got a new job where he gets to help people in need (which he loves to do) and my mom got a cell phone (wait...maybe the Mayans are right... ).
All that said, this year, in the same spirit as fellow blogger and body acceptance activist Ragen Chastain, I am not making resolutions to eliminate anything "bad" from my life. I just got out of a year of foolishly feeding my perception of lack, grieving the literal death of a friend as well as the death of a relationship with another, so fuggeddaboudat. I'm not gonna lose anything else...no. more. loss. 2012 is going to be THE YEAR OF MORE for me:
- More smiling and laughter.
- More time with people who love me for who I am and where I am in my life right now instead of where they think I should be.
- More dancing and moving my body in ways that are enjoyable to me and make me stronger.
- More songwriting (since I didn't write a single song last year, this should be easy!)
- More performing.
- More connecting with people in my field of expertise.
- More recording.
- More travel.
- More hugs.
- More assistance in helping other people discover their own voices.
- More food that fuels me and keeps me healthy.
- More senseless acts of kindness to others.
- More sharing - of my things, my time, my gifts and my heart.
- More sleep.
- More attempts at new things that quite possibly terrify me.
- More consciously choosing joy.
- More listening.
- More auditions.
- More learning (particularly brushing up my sight-singing skills and taking acting classes).
- More reading.
- More respecting and accepting myself.
- More appreciating my body for the amazing and intricately running soft machine that it is.
- More speaking to myself in edifying and encouraging ways.
- More feeling good.
- More peace.
- More money (as long as we're at it...).
- More believing that as a Creation and Manifestation of the Divine, I am perfectly and wonderfully made RIGHT NOW.
MORE BEING THE REAL ME, BECAUSE I AM ENOUGH.
This mug was given to me by one of my teachers in high school as a graduation gift and I still have it and use it to this day. I think she is the only teacher who ever truly "got" me and it took me years to realize it (Thanks, Miss Hintz!). This morning, as I made my final decision on how to approach this year-end blog, I thought it fitting to use it for this year's first cup of coffee.
WELCOME, 2012. GIMME MORE.